That YouTube Family and Me

Oh no. My kids have a few days off of school. Which means they are going to want to entertain themselves, not with the entire room full of toys they have upstairs, not with their creativity and their brilliant brains. No. They are going to want to watch YouTube videos. The Anarchist, in particular, is already itching to watch her particular favorite kind of YouTube video, the family vlog. These families are wholesome, adorable, happy, and well-off. The Anarchist has begged multiple times for me to let her join one of these YouTube families. At this rate, I am losing my patience, and am about two seconds away from taking her up on her offer. Then, at least, I would not be subjected to watching video after video of each and every detail of their super-great lives.

Why that YouTube Family is better than us:

Adorable. Wholesome.
Prayerful. Sweet.

They are just so CUTE!
Fair enough. We are not that cute. I mean, the kids USED to be cute, but they are no longer chubby-cheeked cherubs like the four, yes FOUR kids under eight in this ridiculously precious family. We just can't compete on the cute level.

They have a toddler.
The toddler has the world's sweetest voice. The toddler says the world's cutest things. We don't have a toddler. We have two whiny tweens and a cat who meows like she's whining. YouTube family for the win!

They say prayers all the time.
I do, too, thank you very much. I say, "Please God help me not toss my whining children out the window. Please, God, let me not die of exhaustion." I just say these things quietly, instead of loudly in front of a camera. I am secretly pious. Or secretly whiny at the Eternal Creator. Whatever.

They dress up for church.
Never mind that the one time I tried to get my kids to put on pants without holes for church the raging fit that ensued could be heard around the neighborhood, my children are apparently jealous of this family dressed in their Sunday best. The Dictator hasn't worn a skirt or dress in a year (except as a costume), but apparently she would don a frilly dress and patent leather shoes if they would just let her be a part of YouTube family. Or maybe my kids just wish I would curl my hair and put on a tank top for modesty under my already-modest v-neck dress. Not gonna happen, kiddos.

Their mom always has a sweet voice.
Yes, yes, the voices again. Maybe my kids don't remember, but if you go back and listen to all the recordings I made of myself with my children when they were tiny, my voice was sweet and kind, too. Because of the camera. I bet this lady groans and sighs and uses exasperated tones the minute she turns off that record button. At least I hope she does.

They make their own food.
Hey! So do we! I make food! I DO! Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean it isn't food, beloved offspring. Oh, they bake bread, do they? I used to do that too...when I didn't work. (Full disclosure: I was terrible at baking bread, which is why all of our "fresh baked bread" now comes from a can. Yes. We are a canned bread family. No one is perfect...except YouTube family).

When the kids hit each other, mom still uses her sweet voice, and the only bad thing that happens is that they get to kiss each other.
Which is exactly how it works in real life, right? You get into a bar fight and law enforcement shows up and uses their sweetest voices to ask you nicely to "hug it out," right? These kids are going to be so shell-shocked the first time they commit assault as adults (they're totally going to commit assault as adults, I can just feel it).

They live in tornado alley, but it's okay, because they have a TV in their finished basement.
My kids hear about a tornado happening a bajillion miles away in Topeka, and they are trembling in terror and weeping for the lives they have already assumed they have lost. But they would go live in this family and endure seventeen tornadoes a day, because this family is cute! And their basement is so fancy! And there's a TV down there! And their mom is using her sweet voice! And they are praying such nice things, so loudly!

They are so creative. Like, they do projects all of the time!
Yes, it seems that YouTube mom is one of those mythical homeschooling moms. I still don't know how anyone can do it, but props to those of you with enough patience to try. So, the projects are part of their schooling. I tried to explain to my kids that they are probably only taping the really fun projects, and that probably they usually just do lame math and handwriting worksheets. I also tried reminding them that when I try to get them to do creative projects, they just roll their eyes at me and turn on YouTube. They do not seem to care. They seem to genuinely want to join this family as they glue things to other things, even though they never want to glue anything to anything at our house. Sigh...

They do service projects for the community.
The last time I tried to get my kids to do a service project, the Dictator rolled her eyes, and huffed, and hid, and the Anarchist tried to eat snacks instead of helping, so I'm not sure why they think it would be different with this family...oh...because YouTube family's service project involved playing with Legos...and it was filmed for YouTube.

And I'm willing to bet this is what it all actually boils down to. My kids just want a family that films its every move for the YouTube viewing public. They would be willing to clean, bake, glue stuff, dress up, pray, and help their community, as long as it was being taped and broadcast. Maybe we would all be better people if we knew that random families were constantly watching us. Maybe we would pray more. Maybe I would use my sweet voice. Maybe we would acquire a precocious toddler to say adorable things at us. Maybe no tornado would dare approach our immaculate basement. Maybe we would all laugh when my kids got into all-out brawls. Maybe I would curl my hair for church. You know what? Never mind. Nothing is worth curling my hair over. Not even internet fame. Sorry kids.

Twelve At-Home Mental Health Remedies That Are Cheaper Than Therapy

If you're like many Americans, you might be currently feeling the effects of depression and anxiety after the rather tense election season. Maybe your candidate didn't win. Maybe some of your friendships just got a little more complicated. Maybe you dread Thanksgiving dinner with relatives who don't share your views on third party voting. Maybe you fear for your very life. Or maybe you, like me, are just one of those lucky people who walks around constantly rehearsing every regrettable action in your past past, and every potentially regrettable action of the future, drowning in the guilt of your very existence, and paralyzed by indecision. Neat.

Sweatpants therapy.
Sooooo pretty.

Whatever the reason, if you're struggling with these debilitating mental illnesses, you'll need to address them. After all, mental health is as important as physical well-being. Here's the tricky part, mental health is as important, but NOT as well covered--insurance-wise--as physical health. So maybe you've tried the pills your doctor eagerly prescribed you, but weren't a fan of the side effects. Or maybe you'd like to couple drugs with therapy, the way most mental health professionals recommend. But maybe you, like me, have to eat and pay bills and basically subsist, so therapy, while cute in theory, just isn't in the budget.

Never to worry. There are plenty of holistic ways to address your mental health needs that cost WAY less than therapy. And I, as totally-not-a-mental-health-professional-by-anyone's-definition-ever, am ready to share my personal, dreadfully ineffective, inadvisable, at-home methods of coping with serious mental disease-that-you-should-absolutely-have-addressed-by-a-professional with you.

1. Exercise. Exercise is great for you in so many ways. I personally had to rule this one out, as I can't go to a gym because social anxiety is another fun thing I have, and what if I treadmill wrong?! I could exercise at home (I have this yoga DVD that I like to scream, "DON'T TELL ME TO BREATHE!" at), but my death kitten sees this as an opportunity for leg hunting, so I have had to rule exercise out completely. But for you? Go for it. It's supposed to be great, or whatever.

2. Get less sleep.  I know. I know. Conventional wisdom says that more sleep is essential for mental health. But here's the thing. If you sleep, your brain can function well enough to think. And if you think, you might start to spiral into what-if thoughts. "What if I accidentally identified myself as an ally by liking that post about safety pins, even though I have no right to identify as an ally, and now I've ruined the world?" "What if I can't make ends meet this Christmas?" "What if my very life is in danger?" "What if the reason the Dictator is afraid of heights is because we didn't throw her around enough as a baby? What if we've ruined everything for her because now she can't do that one step in her dance and it will scar her for life and she will give up on everything and become a barista like her mother but she has a nut allergy so that job would be so dangerous for her and she'd be putting her life at risk doing minimum wage work, and all I had to do to stop it was toss her in the air a few more times as an infant and squeal, 'Who's Mommy's brave baby?' but I didn't and I shouldn't even be a parent, but that's the only meaningful thing I do, so I shouldn't even exist?" (That last one was maybe exclusive to just me).

Anyway, sleep less, and you will think things like, "Hungry. Want food. Sleepy. Want nap. Should leave now. Where did car go?" These things are safe and will do little damage to your psyche.

3. Netflix/HBO/etc. Those people on Game of Thrones have it waaaay worse than you do. Watch a couple of episodes to remind yourself that you are probably less likely to be beheaded this week than any of those poor schmucks.

4. If distressed while shopping, find the plush toys or sweaters, or decorative pillows, or whatever, and squeeze the heck out of those things. Like, pretend you are doing it to make sure that those Beanie Boos hold up under pressure, but use this as an opportunity to take out all your aggression on an inanimate object that doesn't belong to you. Disfigure it's face, twist its little body. Squish it into a wad that fits into the palm of your hand and think, "This is one thing in the universe that I can control."  It's fine. This is a thing normal people do, and no one will question your sanity. I'm sure of it.

"Suuuunny Day! Singin' my ANGST awaay!"

5. Sing in the shower. Loudly. This works best if you don't have a shared wall. But even if you do, I say it's worth the risk. Plus, I bet my neighbors really love Tori Amos's angstiest vintage hits.

6. Color. Forget adult coloring books. Those things are stressful. Tiny, finicky spaces. Stupid. Plus, then you'll have to use colored pencils or markers. Colored pencils make that awful scratching noise, and if you're too stressed, they'll snap. Markers will just be squashed by all your pent-up stress. Find a nice, big book with pictures of Elmo or Doc McStuffins, or whatever the toddlers are into these days. Use crayons. Press hard. Hang the dang thing on the fridge and tell yourself how great you are. If you are tired enough from not sleeping (see #2), you might be delirious enough to believe that it's true!

7. Yell, "You're fine! You're fine! You're fine!" at yourself as you drive anywhere in your car. Bonus points if you do this while rocking and crying.

Great. You killed it. Nice job.
Who do you think you are, God?
Narcissist.

8. Cheese.

9. Garden. Just kidding. Don't do that. Everything will die, and it will all have been your fault.

10. Find a community. Communities are great, if you do it right. You might want to find a community that builds you up and challenges you to be a better person. I found a beautiful faith community of brilliant, sensitive, thoughtful, successful, hyper-educated folks who say things like, "Empathy is important," and, "Therapy is good," and, "We need to take action," and,, "We all matter." Ugh. Empathy is inevitable and exhausting, therapy is pricey, action is hard, and I don't want to matter, because responsibility is scary. So maybe ditch the "challenges you" part. Find a community of people who are just kinda "meh," so you can feel super awesome about yourself by comparison. Either that, or do what I did, but then you're gonna need, like, eight Doc McStuffins coloring books to work through all of your feelings.

11. Sweatpants. No one can feel sad while wearing sweatpants.

12. Publish all of your opinions and feelings on social media. Do it immediately without stopping to think. After all, it's the immediate release of all your rage and fear, coupled with that instant gratification of a couple of like-minded acquaintances clicking the "Like" button that you're after. Be as self-righteous and indignant as possible. Link to some questionable news sources. Be outraged. Evoke all of the feelings forever. It'll be great. What could possibly go wrong? If you're feeling extra ambitious, why not write a blog post while you're at it? Maybe one giving helpful advice? I mean, it turns out you really are a genius. Just look at that picture of Princess Elsa you colored! Who else could create such realistic shading? No one, that's who. Now go  eat some cheese, belt out some sad music in the shower, and pretend that you aren't going to regret this in about twenty minutes.*

*Should symptoms recur because you discovered your own hypocrisy/failed to parent perfectly/don't feel safe in the world/are questioning the meaning of your very existence, simply repeat, "You're fine, you're fine, you're fine," until it's true. Cognitive-behavioral therapy right there.** You're welcome.

**It's probably not.

16 Reasons Why I Can't Just Let it Go and Enjoy the Fifth Grade Graduation Ceremony

1. Because I CAN'T SEE. Not just because some unreasonably tall man is sitting in front of me wearing a hat. Not just because I didn't get to the school a full 45 minutes early, and so I had to sit near the back. I can't see because there is a mob of people selfishly standing directly in everyone's line of sight despite repeated requests/demands by so many other parents that they get out of the aisle return to their seats so that people can see their own children graduate.

2. Because this is the mentality that got us the Trump candidacy. It is here. Right in front of me. Manifest in yoga pants and dad jeans that refuse to sit in chairs for the good of humanity.

3. Because I don't want to care that the lady standing directly between me and viewing my precious offspring has absolutely awful underwear lines, but she has put her underwear lines right in front of my eyes.

4. Because I cannot quell the rage seething up from inside, and I might actually murder someone in a second, so maybe it's better if we just addressed this whole awful scenario instead of pretending that no one is being overtly selfish (aisle mob), and that no one else (ahem...me) is being overtly self-righteous.

5. Because the meek shall inherit the earth, but apparently not the photo opportunities at this graduation ceremony, which seems patently unfair and so can't these people who feel like they are the center of the universe get just a little bit smote or something? Puh-leez??

This is how a smug, morally superior person
photographs their child. Poorly. With lots of
parent shoulders in the shot. But no one else's
view was sacrificed for this amazing
photograph. (Dictator is the one in shades...in
the interest of privacy, the other children have
been turned into hamsters).

 6. Because the PTO Facebook page is full of parents fearfully reporting their children almost being run over by other parents at the crosswalk, because these people are actually driving into the crossing guard and young children while they cross the street, because it's not their children crossing the street, so why should they care? Same mentality.

7. Because I'm probably actually a Pharisee and you are breaking the rules.

7.1 (because I fail at counting): Because this is what you get when you promote being "proactive" in a society that already has a problem with acting wisely and considering others and the long-term consequences of actions. You get people "proactively" shoving their way into whatever space they damn well choose, to get the perfect photo of their kids at the expense of the less proactive/more considerate parents. You get that. And a Trump candidacy.

8. Because this song is sad and touching, and the ever-stoic Dictator is fighting back tears as she sings it, which is pretty emotionally intense for the Dictator. I would like to be crying for sentimental reasons, and instead I look up and have to cry for dad-jeans-in-my-face reasons.

9. Because we're all here to celebrate that several hardworking teachers spent years painstakingly teaching our children to share, take turns, think about others, and be polite, and then Yoga Pants, Underwear Lines, Dad Jeans, and Shove-y McGee and their dozen or so friends over here are undermining all those years of hard work in one horrific bad example of how to behave in groups.

10. Because I actually want to believe that most people are inherently good, and you're absolutely ruining that for me.

11. Because it's so lovely up here at the top of Kohlberg's moral pyramid, reflecting on universal principals and my own self-righteous superiority, and I feel it's only fair to drag you up from self-interested level two, where you've currently planted yourselves. Please. Come. Ascend the heights. Join me in the revelry of fretfully over-analyzing every single potential decision for its moral value until we're all paralyzed and inactive together, constantly debating the best  course of action, and never taking a single photo of our kids, because what about the negative consequences of our cameras' flashes for the people around us? Doesn't that sound fun?

12. Because you're better than this.

13. Because I'm pretty agoraphobic, and a dozen mom butts in my face is really not helping.

14. Because both of my parents were music teachers, and I have impeccable concert etiquette, which is pretty transferable to all performance/ceremony situations. One really central part of this etiquette is remaining seated like not-a-jerk for the duration of the performance/ceremony. You are being really bad at that right now. It is causing me physical pain to watch you be this bad at it. I want to help you. I want to teach you. I want to physically force you into your seat and pin you down until you stay put like a good audience member.

15. Because really, though, when we let nonsense like this happen, we create a culture where no one is accountable for the harm they cause others. This is a little thing, but it's the same mentality that leads to the bigger things. Our children are watching. Our children are learning. They are learning to take what they want, without worrying who they are taking it from. They are learning to do what pleases them, without concern for who they are stepping on in the process. They are learning that rules and compassion are for other, "weaker" people. They are learning to bully. They are learning that "winners" push and shove and ignore pleas to stop. They are learning that "losers" are those who follow the rules. They are learning that adults should act like children. They are learning that they are the center of the universe. They are learning 'murica. They are learning a Trump candidacy.

16. Because we're all better than this. So I'm not going to just let it go and enjoy the ceremony. I can't. Because when I let it go, when we all let it go, we forget to remind each other to be human. My kid already walked. I already got my picture. That's not the point. I'm not going to quietly accept that other people can't see their kids. I'm going to keep telling you to sit down. I'm going to keep reminding us that we are human. And I'm going to keep reminding myself to be human, too. Deep breaths. Be decent. Shoving people down like dominos will not grant you the moral high ground. Surrender. Sigh. Hug your kid. Write a blog post.

Look! I got a lovely picture of the Dictator,
and I didn't even harm any ne'er-do-wells
in the process!