Six Simple Steps for Never Spending a Cent in Disney World Again!

Disney World is known as the "happiest place on earth." And that's lovely, and all, but I imagine it's only the happiest place on earth if going there doesn't force you into foreclosure and untold debt. Sure, wearing sparkly Mickey ears and watching magical light parades and fireworks may be fun in the moment, but not when you end up having to pawn those Mickey ears in order to feed your now poverty-stricken family. Obviously, for many people, simple financial planning, a system of saving, and a little penny pinching here and there will go a long way to getting you on the Disney vacation of their dreams. Or maybe you already have boatloads of cash. Good for you! Get that week-long package deal with first class plane tickets, deluxe resort accommodations, high-end champagne and caviar dining packages, and a cadre of Disney-themed servant monkeys, or whatever it is you wealthy people do on vacation.

Watching the balloon go up and down. This
is free, so pretend it is fun.

But the rest of us still seek the silver bullet of going to Orlando on the cheap, and my friends, I have found it. My family went to Orlando this past week. We were less than 10 minutes away from the happiest place on earth. Our children emerged happy and delighted at the outcome of our vacation.

And we didn't spend a single cent on theme park tickets.

Yup. Not a cent. And I'll tell you our magical secret.

We have our children convinced that they do not want to go.

That's right. We have two little girls who grew up on a steady diet of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Disney Princesses who have no desire to go to Disney World. These children, who treat the movie Frozen like it's their religion, did not once beg us to allow them access to the Magic Kingdom. How? Well, we're just about the smartest parents ever, that's how. And now I will share our trick with you.

1) Raise children with low tolerance for extreme temperatures, especially heat. Live in a place like Michigan. Experience a polar vortex or two. Your children will feel confused and betrayed by extreme heat. Sweat will terrify them. They will be convinced that they need to either go inside or die immediately. Encourage this. It will pay off later.

Convince your kids that when the sign says
that Disney World is "Where Dreams Come True,"
what it actually means by "dreams" is sweat-soaked,
agoraphobic nightmares. 

2) Create impatient children. In the age of technology and immediate gratification, this shouldn't be too hard. But just to be sure, make sure at least you or your spouse has an impatient temperament. You're sure to pass of this genetic predisposition to at least one of your children. I have enough impatience for the whole Morton clan, but the Anarchist also got her fair share.

3) Raise lazy children who hate moving around. I suggest video games and television, but you do whatever works for you and your family.

4) When you first enter the Orlando area, walk a long time and wait in a long line for something relatively boring.

5) When your dear offspring complain about how awful and unbearable the heat is, and how they're probably going to die from all the walking and standing, and how they are entitled to somehow never, ever have to wait in lines, say this:

"I don't think you'd like Disney World very much, then. The lines are even longer than this, you have to walk everywhere, and it's SO HOT."

TIP: Don't mention the various forms of transportation, Fast Pass access, or indoor attractions at Disney. What they don't know won't hurt them.

6) Pray that your child responds like my Dictator did:

"Yeah. You're right. That sounds awful. I don't think I would like Disney World very much. Maybe when I'm older."

And then just take advantage of your hotel pool, which my kids claimed was the most fun thing they'd ever done in their lives. Yup.  Free swimming. I am like, the most brilliant cheapskate mom, ever.

Have a "character meet and greet" with the
Seven Dwarfs (statues outside of the Lego Store).
Or maybe pretend this is a sort of mine ride. Have
your kids jump up and down to simulate the
vertical motion of a roller coaster. Neato.

"But why on earth would you go to Orlando, if you weren't going to a theme park?" you ask. Well, our family went for a dance convention. I don't know why you would do such a thing, it sounds kind of insane to me, but if you find yourself stuck in Orlando with no money (maybe you're there for the National Kung Fu Convention? No. For real, they have those*), I really think you should try convincing your kids that they would hate Disney World.

Mine sure hate it. And they've never even been there. But I'll tell you one more thing, when I finally get a big-kid job, my first order of business is to plan the most funnest of all times Disney World vacations. Because I know how magical it is, and I so badly want a pair of those sparkly Mickey ears. And maybe I'll even splurge on some servant monkeys.



BACKUP PLAN: If your kids are very young, or very naive, maybe you can convince them that Downtown Disney is a theme park. Buy them some mouse ears, stand around watching the hot air balloon go up and down, maybe splurge on a carousel ride, and have lunch at a themed restaurant. We went to T-Rex and had a great time. We probably could have convinced the kids that it was "Prehistoric Land" or something, but that just didn't seem honest. And we're nothing if not honest.

The Dictator and I enjoy a meal
at what shall henceforth be known as
"Prehistoric Land," the newest (fake)
Disney theme park.

*The ambulance was at our hotel multiple times. I'm convinced that this was because people were Kung Fu-ing each other to death. They carry around real live weapons! In a resort! Hard core.

A Morton Family Guide to Navigating the Windy City with (Violently Ill) Children

It's the dead of summer. The children have cabin fever. You just want to get out. Everyone and their mom is heading "Up North" for a fun family weekend of clean, crisp air, towering pine trees, immaculate Great Lakes beaches, and wholesome, natural relaxation. So obviously, you don't want to do that. You would be such a follower. "Pure Michigan?" Psssht, whatever. Who needs Gwen Frostic, Petoskey Stones and Mackinac Island fudge (both kinds), when you can have feces-scented trains, endless walking and crowds of rabid museum goers? That's right, folks. I'm talking about Chicago. I know, I know. You've done Chicago before. You've taken the kids to see Sue at the Field Museum, snapped touristy photos at Millennium Park and drained next month's mortgage payment at the American Girl Place. Chicago's old news. So why not spice things up a bit? Why not go to Chicago, but this time do it up right.  This time, why not opt for a fully immersive urban experience and bring along a violently ill child? Like, I'm talking nastiest stomach virus ever. As in, coming out both ends...with reckless abandon. Take that American Girl Place!

A picturesque place to bring the
entire (sick) family.

 Naturally, the Morton's have experience with just such a vacations, so we've prepared a handful of helpful tips to help you to make the most of your family weekend (with a violently ill child) in Chicago. You're welcome.

1. Stay in the suburbs. You can get a fantastic hotel in Schaumburg for about a third of the price of a similar hotel in the city. Not only will you avoid the crowds, but your child will have plenty of commute time into the city in which to work up a really nice bout of nausea. Choose a hotel with a terrible view (ours was of the IKEA). That way, you won't be reminded of all the fun you aren't having. Bonus: you can use all the money you save to pay for your subsequent doctor's bills. 

The Anarchist and the Dictator enjoy
our room with a view...of IKEA.

2. Choose a hotel with the right amenities. If your child is violently ill, she probably won't give a hoot about the heated, saltwater indoor pool (but that might be a fun way to spread that nasty little virus). You will, however find that she has a new-found concern for the softness of her pillows, the availability of complementary plastic laundry bags, the presence of a mini-fridge in which to store the electrolyte water, and access to child-friendly cable channels (although we found that the Weather Channel was okay in a pinch). You will be glad you chose a hotel with a coffee shop and a bar onsite. The Bureaucrat had a fun little run-in with a particularly chatty drunk man in our swanky hotel bar one night while the rest of us slept like (sick little) babies. Nothing like meeting new people to keep vacations fresh!

3. Take advantage of public transportation. Why risk getting vomit all over your own car when you can take the train into town? The combination of fecal-scented seats and lurching/swaying cars is sure to churn your child's already fragile stomach. Let her work it out on the Blue Line and not in your second-hand Saturn. They have people to clean that up, right?

On the train, keep your kids entertained with a rousing game of
"Don't Lose Your Lunch"

4. Take a stroll. Chicago neighborhoods are full of tons of culture. Bust out your running shoes and take to the streets to immerse yourself in all the sights, sounds, and smells of the city. Try getting off the train a few stops before the one closest to your destination. That way you can explore local parks and landmarks really over-exert your weak and nauseated child. Try a photo op at Millennium Park with your ailing family member, and then work up a sweat yourself as you haul your hot, whining child a bajillion and one blocks and up a massive flight of stairs to the Field Museum. Just be sure to save money for physical therapy when you get home! You're going to need it.

5. Be mindful of the time-change. (And then promptly ignore it). If you're a Michigander, you're in for a time-change when you head to Illinois. We found that our children tended to wear out quickly near the end of the day and needed to recharge a lot sooner, especially since the Dictator was so unwell. We handled this situation beautifully by heading to dinner especially late. We recommend you do the same. Choose a nice deep-dish pizza joint for authentic pie and be prepared for a substantial wait as your pizza bakes--about 45 minutes. Don't bother ordering for your kids. They'll fall asleep on the table before the server brings that second round of garlic bread...which is perfect. After all, kids are expensive, and the sick one shouldn't be eating anyway. Plus, you've just bought yourself an entire two hours of blessed whine-free adult conversation time...and a whole extra basket of garlic bread.

6. Hit up the mall. Yes. That mall. The one with the American Girl Place that will eat your soul, your life-savings (if you have any), and your parental dignity. Because otherwise, you don't love your children. Be advised that your sick child will not seem to appreciate this trip nearly as much as she should. Note her ashen-faced blank stare as her doll's hair is detangled for an exorbitant fee, the unresponsive stance she takes as she forces you to buy that stuffed pet cat that costs more than a real, live, prize-winning pure bred Persian. Understand that she can't help her lack of gratitude. She is violently ill, after all. Just know that she really is thankful. And that she's well-aware of how well her sickly state is working in her favor. Poor baby, you think to yourself as you write a check that could have covered her private college tuition, maybe this hundred dollar plastic replica of a chunk of cheese will cheer her up. No? Still frowning? Poor baby. I know, have a five-hundred-dollar photo shoot with your doll. Your pretty green face and glazed-over eyes really capture the spirit of our trip!

Even sick kids will smile when you buy
them their weight in fancy toys.

7. Bring friends. What's the fun of a violently ill vacation if you can't share it with friends? Be sure they're childless. That way, they'll get an exciting glimpse into all the fun of traveling with sick kids, and you'll have a couple extra sets of helping hands to carry vomit-soaked children, dispose of barf-bags and babysit while you and the spouse sneak out to the indoor, heated, saltwater pool or to the skeazy hotel bar full of chatty drunk guys. We didn't take nearly enough advantage of our childless vacation friends. Maybe because they were smart enough to make themselves scarce as soon as we let them know that we had desecrated the museum with nasty chunks of kid puke.

What you will have to do if you don't
make your childless friends carry
your kids for you.

8. Get an education. Chicago is full of fantastic cultural opportunities. From aquariums to planetariums, there are any number of exciting places for your children to learn and vomit. Don't expect to get to them all. Sick kids have a surprising lack of stamina. Instead select your favorite one or two museums and really take time to take in the best exhibits. Don't save the best for last, otherwise you might never make it. Chances are, you'll get asked to leave once your kid manages to be sick all over the Ancient Egypt exhibit. 

The Anarchist recommends the jade
exhibit. She likes jade an unreasonable
amount. Like, we had to physically carry
her out of that place.

9. Make time for photo ops. You'll want to treasure the memories of your adventurous time in the city. Wouldn't Sue the Dinosaur look extra special covered in a layer of your kiddo's projectile vomit? That would be a backdrop to remember! Or find a nice piece of fine art at the Art Institute of Chicago with a color scheme that really complements your child's sickly green complexion. Or why not try documenting the places where you spent most of your time on your trip, like the museum bathrooms, for example? This will make for unique and memorable photos of your family time together.

The Dictator got sick right next to the narwhal exhibit. 

10. Be social. There's nothing people in the city like more than knowing that they are trapped in close proximity to an incredibly nauseated child. Be sure to communicate. We found that our museum/hotel elevator-mates were very responsive to the Anarchist's joyful announcement that, "The Dictator is really sick, but we won't get it unless we touch her throw-up, right?" Really responsive.

11. Make it your own. Every family (of sick people) is different. And every family vacation (with sick kids) should be different. Tailor your family vacation to your sick family. Maybe you want to take your little sicko swimming. That's okay. That's what chlorine is for, right?  Or maybe the American Girl Place just isn't for you. Don't worry. I'm sure your sick child can guilt you into spending unreasonable amounts of money at the Lego Store or any number of other fun locations. Not interested in Millennium Park? What about a nice trip to Navy Pier to ride that giant Ferris Wheel. I wonder what would happen if vomit fell from the top of that thing...d'ya think it would fall with enough velocity to kill someone? Why not find out? And no one says you're restricted to the Field Museum or the Art Institute. I hear that Shedd Aquarium is a very nice place to have lunch lose your lunch. The possibilities are endless. Go out there and create the family vacation that's right for you and your queasy offspring. You won't regret it.*

*Or maybe you will.**

**Yeah. You totally will.***

***But not because of Chicago. Chicago is awesome. I love that place. Even the trains. I love the trains. You'll regret it because sick kids make terrible travel companions. I mean, they're just awful. Plus they're heavy. And they're miserable. And they don't like it when you have to throw out their favorite cardigans at the museum because the cardigans are covered in vomit and you have nothing to carry them home on the train in. They really hate that. Poor things.****

****Also, it turns out the healthy siblings aren't that much fun either. As in, "you don't like me as much as you like her because you're cleaning up her vomit instead of doting on me so I'm actually jealous of her vomit and now refuse to enjoy any part of this vacation" unfun.*****

*****On second thought, just find someone to watch your kids and spend a romantic weekend alone. Just avoid that chatty guy at the hotel bar. He will totally compromise your whole evening. Seriously.