I got some sleep the other day--a full eight hours, more than twice my usual amount--and had a startling revelation: I can actually perform basic math functions, engage in adult conversations, interact in normal ways with my children, and not murder people eating potato chips in my general proximity.
It's like I'm a whole different person when I sleep. A person who only cries at puppies a little bit, and who gets out of the car when she goes to the store.
It's like I'm a whole different person when I sleep. A person who only cries at puppies a little bit, and who gets out of the car when she goes to the store.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Uses all available appendages to assist in counting/basic addition. Has to start over at least once. Gets the wrong answer.
Well-Rested Me: Talks far too quickly, but is actually fairly articulate. Sounds mature, sane, and college-educated, if a bit nervous.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Says the words of the things you hear called sentences in all of the orders that are wrong and barely comprehensible, but makes kind of sense to you because somewhere there is a major of Englishness in there.
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Well-Rested Me: Hears chewing and gulping noises. Is mildly perturbed. Raises eyebrows and makes snide comment about chewer having a hollow head and too much saliva.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Is one potato chip away from breaking someone's cacophonous jaw and kicking their saliva-filled throat. Would go to jail to make the bad noises go away.
Well-Rested Me: Sees an adorable English Bulldog puppy on a walk and coos at it like an idiot.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Sees an aging Basset Hound relieving itself on a tree and dissolves into a fit of sentimental tears.
Well-Rested Me: Is amusingly self-loathing. Like, stand-up comic style self-loathing. The kind you would laugh at.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Is literally the worst person whoever walked the face of the earth. Is ruining everyone's entire life by her very presence. Destroys everything she touches. What is the point of her, anyway? She is not funny. She never has been. Nothing she ever does is ever a thing anyone likes. She is repulsively self-loathing. Like, most-annoying-person-you-know style self-loathing. The kind you would shudder at. Push her off a cliff now. You know you want to.
Well-Rested Me: Pours the juice next to the cup. Because paying attention to things like the location of cups just isn't mentally stimulating enough.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Carefully studies the location of the cup. Holds the cup steady. Continues to watch as she pours the juice next to the cup with a great deal of care. Continues to pour juice on table because change is hard.
Well-Rested Me: Goes to a place. Parks car. Goes into the place.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Goes to a place. Parks car. Spends the next 5-20 minutes sitting in the car trying to gather enough energy to unbuckle the seat belt and open the door.
Well-Rested Me: Is surprisingly confident. Does adult things like shop at stores, make phone calls, put gas in vehicles, talk to other adults.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Is actually a child, probably. Needs a grown-up to help with phone calls, payments, operating a stove, and driving a car. Will cry if she needs to ask a question of someone in charge. Would like a juice box and a pat on the head.
Well-Rested Me: Listens intently to the interesting stories her children tell. Is genuinely interested in how school was. Pretends to care about video games and whatever other nerdy business they are up to.
Sleep-Deprived Me: "Shhhh. Just, shhhh. Mom is so tired. She can't handle sounds right now. I'm glad school was good/tragic/dramatic/life-changing, but tell me about it in your quietest voice or I won't be able to listen right now. I'm sure Video Game YouTuber of the Moment is very interesting, but shhh...I need to sleep. Too many noises. Go tell Dad."
Sleep-Deprived Me: "Shhhh. Just, shhhh. Mom is so tired. She can't handle sounds right now. I'm glad school was good/tragic/dramatic/life-changing, but tell me about it in your quietest voice or I won't be able to listen right now. I'm sure Video Game YouTuber of the Moment is very interesting, but shhh...I need to sleep. Too many noises. Go tell Dad."
Sleep-Deprived Me: Will just make dinner/do the dishes/fold laundry. That's all her brain can handle.
Well-Rested Me: Will go into existential crisis while making the dinner/doing the dishes/folding the laundry, because leaving her brain to it's own mad devices while doing menial tasks is such a bad idea. ("Who am I, anyway, to be the one to decide if this sprig of basil should live or die?" "This lone, filthy sock is a metaphor for my life!" "The soap bubbles are so fleeting! Just like childhood!")
Well-Rested Me: Forgets to write checks for school trips/dance costumes/etc. until the last minute.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Forgets to write checks for school trips/dance costumes/etc. entirely. Finally takes no less than three attempts to write/void said checks, having written the wrong amount, made them out to the wrong organization, or forgotten to include the "T" in her last name--yet again rendering it as "Moron."
Well-Rested Me: Will respond to children's noisy music/comedy endeavors with enthusiasm and appreciation.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Will respond to children's noisy music/comedy endeavors with, "Why would you make noises at me like this?! Shhh!!!!! Too many noises!"
Well-Rested Me: Will probably remember to turn off the iron/stove/toaster oven. Most likely will remember to lock the door behind her. Probably has her wallet in her purse and has not left it on the counter at Target/on the floor by the cat food in the kitchen/in the hands of some devious ne'er do well. Remembers to bring her phone in case of some unforeseen car-related-emergency.
Sleep-Deprived Me: Is probably phoneless in the midst of a burning condo, about to be assaulted by some ne'er-do-well who has snuck in through the unlocked door, while she concerns herself with the task of pouring juice next to her cup and weeping because she hates herself and loves puppies. Probably. But can't be bothered to notice because "shhh....just shh...I'm happy to hear the house is on fire and bad guys are stealing my identity/cat/flaming toaster oven, but I can't deal with this right now. Too many noises. Just shhh...Mom is tired. Too many noises."
