This Place is a Zoo! (No, it really is. I swear. There's got to be an animal around here somewhere...)

Hey, look!  A map!

Yesterday I had the pleasure of herding my offspring into a friend's minivan and heading out of state to the Toledo Zoo (yes, we were zoo traitors, abandoning our home zoo for the zoo of another).  The timing could not have been more perfect, as the Dictator--who is afflicted with multiple food allergies--had just finished up her annual allergy-blood-draw-fest, and we had needed the zoo trip as a bribe/light at the end of the needle-jabbing tunnel.  The children were well-rested, cheerful, and obedient, having only tried to dismember one another a few times in the waiting room at the lab.  This trip was going to be a smashing success (don't I sound British when I say "smashing?"); I could just feel it.

And for the most part it was...as long as you don't factor seeing actual animals into your definition of "success." 


The one thing I've noticed about going to zoos since I've had children is how very few animals we actually encounter.  At the Toledo Zoo, we spent much of our time in an interactive children's play area that had next to no animals (and my children actively ignored the ones that were there).  At the Detroit Zoo, we do make sure to peek at the penguins and butterflies, but most of our time is spent checking out interactive computer displays, eating at the bistro,* sitting through Dora the Explorer 4D action movies, running wild on the playground, and melting hand prints into the ice wall in the Polar Exhibit.  This makes the Bureaucrat insane.  "I came to the ZOO!" he'll exclaim irritably, "I want to see ANIMALS!"

The Dictator climbs an
interactive "spider web,"
ignoring the giant live
spiders spinning real webs--
in a desperate bid for her
attention--just feet away.

It turns out that his understanding of the zoo is so two decades ago.  When the Bureaucrat and I were growing up, you went to the zoo to, um, see animals.  I mean, there was a fountain, some concessions, a gift shop and a few park benches, but you wanted to see the monkeys, bears, zebras, elephants, tigers, reptiles, etc.  Now--and I notice that it isn't just my nature-hating children--kids could be in a room surrounded by rare, fascinating species just waiting to be noticed, and they won't give them a second glance.  Heck, the peacocks have to roam free and fly headlong into your kids' wagon, squawking and shrieking before they have half a chance at recognition.

Me: "Look at the baby polar bear, Dictator!  Isn't it amazing?" 

Dictator (not bothering to turn her head in the general direction of the live creature not five feet from her face; absently):  "Uh huh.  Hey LOOK!  There's a blinking map on this wall!"

 or

Me: "Look, Anarchist!  Do you see the baby elephant!  It's playing with that toy!  Oh my goodness!  It's dancing ballet!  Anarchist!  It's speaking your name...in French!  In fact, it has now morphed into a character from Cars and is driving right for us to say 'hello'...in French!"

Anarchist: "I'm too sleepy for the elephant.  I've been walking so much!**  I need to rest on this bench and close my eyes and not look at the elephant.  Hey look!  A map!"

etc.

The Anarchist and the Dictator actively ignore a seal doing
amazing seal-tricks just feet away .

Maybe it's all the interactive features zoos have these days.  Our kids are so overstimulated by technology that an orgy of mating kangaroos looks tame and dull by comparison.  Maybe zoo animals should come equipped with educational features, flashing lights in their ears, and water spraying out of their eyes.  Maybe that would get the attention of our tech-savvy youth.  

Let me be perfectly clear.  I adore all of our zoo trips.  Even the animal-free ones.  I've come to view the zoo as a place where my kids can explore, play, learn and whine, with or without captive creatures.  It just took some getting used to.  Nevertheless, I really think that zoos should look into ways to engage our children in meaningful interactions with nature that do not distract them from...Hey!  Look!  A map!

The Anarchist is "so tired" from
"too much walking."

*Shout out to the Detroit Zoo for having so many allergy-safe options...and a Starbucks.
**This is a bold-faced lie.  She screamed like a banshee the entire walk from the parking lot to the front entrance until I was forced, out of utter embarrassment, to rent a wagon, which she road in for the entire zoo trip.