In which I totally invade my daughter's privacy

The Dictator has been reading books from the Junie B. Jones series recently and has become inspired by the books to do many new things, including starting every sentence with "Only except" and "And also, too,"reiterating constantly how much she "hates" things, and last, but by no means least, writing in a journal.  In the books, Junie B. has to write in a first grade notebook during school, so the Dictator has repurposed an old sketchbook filled with her artistic endeavors from last year (when she actually cared about art) and turned to the few empty pages not covered with characters from Disney, Nick Jr. and PBS Kids in order to begin a first grade notebook of her own.

Dictator N., First Grader

Now, I'm just going to admit up front that I am an awful parent, and went ahead and read every page of her journal the minute she went to bed last night.  I'm admitting this mostly because I'm about to cite the entire thing verbatim in this very blog entry, so it wasn't going to stay secret for long anyway.  I know, I know.  When you invade your child's privacy out of sheer curiosity (rather than because you think she has become a drug trafficker), you risk losing  her trust, causing her to hate you/authority figures/etc., screwing her up for life, blah, blah, blah.  Only except, I've completely rationalized this, so there's no need to fear.  See, she dictates these things out loud to herself as she writes them...with us in the room.  So clearly, she has no reasonable expectation of privacy.  And also, too, she obviously wants  someone to read them.  This is definitely a cry for help...or at least, attention.  And they're so darned cute.

So without further ado, annotated first grade diary voyeurism.  You're welcome.

Teusday Decmber 13 2011
Dear first grade nootbook notebook.*  Today I am watching PBS Kids with myself.  At first I was watching On Demand, but it started to mute so I am no watching Word World.  The eposodes are calld Duck's Hiccups and Achoo!.  In Duck's Hiccups, it is Duck's first time geting the hiccups.  In Achoo!, Pig is alrgic to peaches and I have a losse loose tooth and whenever I make a mistake I have to cross it out and I have a lot well not that many.**  Now Christmas is comeing up and I wrote tow two lists allreddy.***
From Dictator N Morton  First Grader

*Crossing things out is super cool because Junie B. does it.  The Dictator made most of her mistakes intentionally, in order to have something to cross out.  Although I believe that she really did have issues with the word "loose."
**We need to have a discussion about run on sentences.  This is sounding a bit Joyceian.  Dictator, no one can get through the first two pages of Ulysses, so how on earth are they supposed to read your adorable, yet completely impenetrable stream of consciousness journal?
***The existence of a second Christmas list is troubling.  I think I might need to find that.

This entry is followed by an elaborate diagram of Heartbreaker Boy and his sisters, utilizing arrows to show the complex familial interrelations between the three.  Fascinating.

Next is this page full of division problems.  Apparently the Dictator knows how to divide.  Who knew?

Following this is a page of words that she is practicing for her spelling bee.  What a good student!


Next entry.

Dear first grade notebook,
I just got back from scool*.   And now I found out my conputer is borken!**  But I decided to rhit riht in this notebook, but I have a pen.  I have***

*Apparently the words "school," "computer," and "broken" are not on the list for the spelling bee.
**The Dictator doesn't actually have a computer.
***The entry breaks off abruptly, here.  It seems that the simple possession of a pen does not a first grade notebook entry make.  

Next/final entry.

Dear Notebook,
Today is Wedsday witch which* was my favorite day but is not enyanymore.  Why?!  Now you're asking me "why?!"  Weel  Well, I will not teel tell you.  NO!  NOT RIGHT NOW!  Ok.  Soory Sorry.**  I did not mean to hurt your ears.  I just had a bath and yesterday for dinner we had rice.  Yum (but Yuck! to the Anarchist, my sister, so Dad just gave her soup...eww a little...I like it this much and she love it this much.  Wow!  This much!)  Today is art, that is why I dread Wedsday.***  Most of what I am talking about is food.****  Now, how many sentences have I wrote?*****
From,
Dictator N Morton First Grader

*Okay, the first "witch" misspelling was my fault.  She asked me how to spell "which" and I immediately thought of the kind that Puritans liked to torture.  "No, mom.  Like, 'which way did the car go?'  THAT which!"  Silly me.
**I don't think she needed to cross out "soory."  Canadians are cool and we should totally emulate the way they talk move to their country and become Tim Horton's consuming citizens.
***I have absolutely no idea why she dreads art.  I actually think she looks forward to art.  I think she just wanted an excuse to use the word "dread."  Wouldn't you?
****Yup.
*****My count is 15-ish.

So yeah.  I don't respect my daughter's privacy.  Only accept except I think she didn't really write anything too private and I had Taco Bell for dinner tonight and I like Taco Bell this much but it's not good for me and this weather is bad for me it gives me mygranes migraines.

From,
Me C Morton, Middle Ager**

*I didn't really misspell these words.  I just wanted a reason to cross things out.
**I have a tendency to subconsciously write in the style of whatever I've been reading, recently.  Hence, this blog is really good when I'm reading Tina Fey's Bossypants, and really depressing when I'm reading Sartre (and really incestuous when I'm reading Faulkner?).