The good news, in our family, is that we've already established that the tooth fairy is pretty much a moron. We have a saying: "You can rely on Santa Claus. You can count on the Easter Bunny. But the tooth fairy is all like 'Blahahahahah!"
Really. We actually go around saying that. The last part sounds like ditzy, flaky, confused blonde exclamations. We're just a house full of dorks, really.
But this time, I'm not going to forget. I write reminder notes to myself everywhere. I set an alarm on my phone. This is important.
So naturally, I fall asleep on the couch while the Bureaucrat is out doing social-person things that night. I wake up in a sleepy stupor at 1 am, stumble upstairs and fall into bed. I sleep peacefully, dreaming about alien takeovers, kindergarten classrooms, and lattes...obviously. And in the morning...
"Mom! The tooth fairy FORGOT AGAIN!"
Yup. Again.
But don't worry. This is the Dictator we're talking about. She knows who she's dealing with. Tooth fairies are all like "Blahahahah!" They're morons. They need patience, guidance, and most of all, passive-aggressive letters.
"Because when I woke up, like four times to see if you had come--you thoughtless, insensitive harpy--it was still there...because you're inconsiderate, self-absorbed and slow in the head!"
"And even though my tooth is very small, it's still there...MORON!"
The Bureaucrat said that he recently read somewhere that the phrase "please advise" is business speak for WTF. As in, "We still haven't received those documents. Please advise." I think that if the Dictator had been aware of this useful bit of business info, "Please RSVP" would most certainly have read "please advise," and would even more certainly have implied something which, as this is a PG rated blog, is unrepeatable here.
Anyway, the problem was resolved quickly, as the repentant fairy immediately deposited a double sum of tooth reward money (a guilt offering) the following night. And thusly, the passive-aggressive wrath of the Dictator was satiated by cold hard cash.
Fairies might be dumb as dirt, but at least they're easily manipulated. And that's all the Dictator ever really asks, anyway.
"Because when I woke up, like four times to see if you had come--you thoughtless, insensitive harpy--it was still there...because you're inconsiderate, self-absorbed and slow in the head!"
"And even though my tooth is very small, it's still there...MORON!"
The Bureaucrat said that he recently read somewhere that the phrase "please advise" is business speak for WTF. As in, "We still haven't received those documents. Please advise." I think that if the Dictator had been aware of this useful bit of business info, "Please RSVP" would most certainly have read "please advise," and would even more certainly have implied something which, as this is a PG rated blog, is unrepeatable here.
Anyway, the problem was resolved quickly, as the repentant fairy immediately deposited a double sum of tooth reward money (a guilt offering) the following night. And thusly, the passive-aggressive wrath of the Dictator was satiated by cold hard cash.
Guilt offering. Nice and blurry so you won't notice that the blithering idiot fairy committed a federal offense by defacing federal currency with an apologetic, pink "oops!" |