Parenting Tip of the Week: Scapegoats

As I am currently in the running for "Mother of the Year," I thought I would bless you with some useful parenting advice on a regular basis, so that you might have a shot at being a halfway decent parent yourself.

Tip #1: Scapegoats are indispensable

Your children will naturally want to blame you/or each other for every transgression. Is a toy missing? Probably your fault. Did she trip over her own feet? Yes. But maybe if you hadn't given birth to her it never would have happened. Did someone eat that last piece of Halloween candy? Sure. And that someone was most likely you, but do you really want to deal with the consequences of 'fessing up to it?

Sometimes it's important to model mature and ethical behavior and assume responsibility for your actions, accepting whatever the negative outcome may be. And sometimes it's important to preserve your sanity at all costs by picking your battles wisely and blaming a scapegoat.

It is crucial to come up with a scapegoat early on, as most children learn to blame you for things as soon as they learn to accusingly point their chubby, sticky fingers at you and yell "Mama!" or "Dah-ee!" You must not let this last. We found that the cat worked in a pinch for the first couple of years of life. "Who moved my Giggy Bear?" the Dictator would ask with a deadly, vengeful glare. "Oh, that was Kitty," the Bureaucrat would assure her. At which point the Dictator would turn her death stare on the cat, leaving Mommy and Daddy in the clear. Needless to say, the Dictator is not a moron, so this tactic only lasted so long. "It was NOT Kitty! You're just SAYING THAT!" Time for a new scapegoat.

My first mistake was teaching the Dictator how to point.

We found that family friends work nicely. You can orchestrate this, or have it come about serendipitously, it doesn't really matter. The important thing is to encourage it once it happens. If you don't already have a family friend scapegoat, try arranging a post-bedtime soiree at your home. Be sure that it is early enough that your children will hear the guests arriving. When your children wake up in the morning and find something to blame you for (which they invariably will), blame one of the guests from the night before. Because your children know that--unlike the cat--this guest has opposable thumbs and is therefore actually capable of erasing their drawings from the MagnaDoodle, they are very likely to believe you.

Perfect. Now you just have to be consistent. Every time your child flings accusations at you, simply blame the new scapegoat. We actually have the Anarchist believing that our scapegoat lurks around our house in the middle of the night, spilling water, turning off lights and putting away Play-Doh sculptures...and we don't even have to mention him any more. The kid immediately blames him on her own. The system is so perfect, it runs itself. And you never have to be blamed for anything again...by your children.

The scapegoat on the other hand might not be so pleased, and the ethical implications of what you are doing are shady, at best. Eh...so you make a few enemies and potentially sully your immortal soul. Isn't that a small price to pay for parental sanity?

*Note: It is NOT advisable for you to use your spouse as a scapegoat. While he/she is an extremely handy option, and one onto which your children will enthusiastically latch, this choice might potentially be destructive for marital relations. Blame the hubby at your own risk.

The Anarchist is already plotting her revenge against the Fat Assassin (aka "Kitty") for moving her toys.