Parenting Tip of the Week SPECIAL EDITION

Special Edition Tip: Navigating the Mall with Children, Black Friday and Every Day

As many of you will be (idiotically) heading out to do some holiday shopping on Black Friday, and as the bravest (or craziest) of you will have youngsters in tow, the world's greatest parenting guru (yours truly) is here with some sage advice gleaned from recent shopping experiences to get you through the darkest day of the year.

Equipment

Most parents have the wisdom to bring the basics (diapers, wipes, dried Cheerios, fruit snacks, cookies, McDonald's Happy Meal toys that somehow made it into the bottom of your purse, flashlights, discount cards, keys, cell phone, Epi Pens, organic nut-free crackers, collection of board books, collection of Berenstein Bears books with or without their covers intact, umbrellas, crayons, markers, stamps, plastic bags, extra shoes, etc.). But just when you think the ol' diaper bag--or over-sized purse, if you're too cool for a diaper bag--is stuffed to the gills, it's time to make room for a few more essentials.

First of all, you'll never make it through your shopping trip if you have to listen to your kids' incessant whining in addition to irritating hippopotamus-related holiday "music" and the catcalls from various male shoppers who can't resist your stunning good looks. (What? You don't get those? Oh. Must just be me.) This is why I recommend investing in a good pair of earplugs. So you can't hear your kids begging you for food, water, and a bathroom break...isn't that the point?

Next, if any of you have a child like the Anarchist--that is, a "runner"--I highly recommend that you consider purchasing a leash. Yes, yes, I know this sounds cruel and inhumane. But so is letting your kid fling itself headlong into a mall parking lot, or a perfume kiosk, for that matter. And they make adorable stuffed animal-shaped leashes for children, or so I've been told by my trend-savvy sister who has actually spotted the things on hip young things in the Birmingham/Ferndale/Royal Oak area. And if it's happening in Royal Oak, it's probably the new thing to do, so go ahead. You're not barbaric. You're cutting edge.*

Distractions

While shopping with children, it is important to create tactical diversions. That way, they'll forget where they are for a few seconds, and maybe, just maybe, cease whining temporarily. Shock and awe, baby. Here are a few suggestions:

• Choose stores with fun music and loads of empty floor space (they exist, I swear). Initiate a dance party. Please don't worry about the amount of people you will offend or annoy. Remember, your goal is survival at all costs.
• Try on hats. Lots of hats. It's worth the head lice.
• Try having a sing-a-long. The louder the better. You're entertaining your fellow shoppers AND distracting the bitty ones. What could be better?
  

Safety

Always remember to put safety first when shopping with children.

• Avoid shopping on the second floor of the mall whenever possible. While elevators are fun, the risk of your kids catapulting themselves over the balcony in a manic fit is decidedly not. Sorry Gap, Victoria's Secret Body and the coat section of Macy's. We'll have to do without this year.
• If you must shop on the second floor, remember to use the elevator. If you are claustrophobic (more on phobias later), you will have to use the escalator. In this case, be sure to put your children in shoes without laces. I can't believe I even have to say this. What kids have shoes with laces any more? Seriously!
• One more thing to avoid. That guy without kids skulking around near the coin-operated helicopter, race car and ice cream truck (as if ice cream trucks aren't creepy enough as it is).

The Anarchist and the Dictator enjoy a ride on the coin-operated ice cream truck in a skulking-guy-free moment

Shopping and Phobias

If you have one of the bajillion phobias affecting bajillions of Americans these days, you'll have to make extra accommodations for yourself while shopping.

• Claustrophobia-I think we've already covered this one. Avoid the elevators. No shoelaces. Enough said.
• Mysophobia (or germaphobia for those of you not up on your craziness terminology)-Invest in a HazMat suit. Bathe in hand sanitizer when you get home. Glare angrily at anyone attempting to cover a cough with their hands, rather than their forearms.
• Agoraphobia-Don't be agoraphobic. Seriously. It will totally ruin your holiday shopping experience. Having trouble overcoming that pesky fear of crowds? Take my dad's timeless advice: "Just stop it."
• Arachnophobia-You're probably going to be just fine. Avoid the pet store, just in case.

Bribery

Hone your bribery skills before venturing out into the shopping fray. They will prove essential in various circumstances. You will, of course, already be familiar with the usual bribes of rides on the coin-operated truck (as long as skulking guy isn't around), food court "food," and small toys. We've also used rides on the elevator (my claustrophobia is mild) and trips to the in-mall Starbucks as bribes. Do whatever works and be creative. Be advised that bribes may backfire, but sometimes they'll be the only weapons in your arsenal.

The Dictator and the Anarchist can be bribed with Starbucks

It is also useful to keep monetary bribes handy for older children and for your fellow shoppers. When the Anarchist tripped that nice lady in Baby Gap, it sure would have been convenient to be able to slip her a $50 in hopes of warding of litigation. (Please don't sue us, nice Baby Gap lady, please don't sue us).

Finally, you can also bribe your spouse to stay home with the kids so that you might go out shopping all by yourself. Men, ladies like shiny things and back rubs. Women, I'm not going to give specifics, because this is a PG-rated blog, but you know what works. I'm just saying, do what you got to do. (What? You're thinking I'm suggesting something dirty?! Heavens, no! I just meant a nice home-cooked meal. Get your minds out of the gutter!)

Mall-ternatives

Consider doing your shopping some time other than Black Friday. I mean, seriously, is that discount on a cashmere sweater really worth the stampede? Why not try a nice weekday morning? The malls are virtually empty. If you aren't already a stay-at-home-mom/dad, become one for this very purpose. Halving your family's income and the financial hardship resulting therefrom will be well worth your shopping peace-of-mind...if you have any money to spend, of course.

Another savory alternative is shopping online. Of course, if you have squirrely children trying to type "messages" on the keyboard while you are shopping, this could be as frustrating an option as the actual mall.

Don't want to shop at all? Why not make your own clothes? If you're not already sewing-savvy, find a nice elderly lady with loads of free time and patience and make her teach you. You might want to use your new-found bribery skills to convince her that it's worth her while.

However you decide to go about shopping or not shopping this holiday season, remember to be prepared, be safe, and be brave. And, for the love of all that is holy, stay away from that guy skulking around the coin-operated ice cream truck.




*It is important to note that not everyone will consider you cutting edge. Especially if they live somewhere like Plymouth or Canton, which are a little behind the times. I mean, if the Royal Oak area is just now discovering baby-leashes, it means that leashes are probably on their way out on the coasts, but that Plymouth and Canton will still not recognize how insanely cool they are for another half a decade, at least. Note that Plymouth just now got it's first cupcake shop, while Royal Oak has had them for years and the coasts are already on to French Macaroons or some such insanely cool nonsense.