33 Things That Don't Suck about the Birthday Princess

Okay. On the Dictator's 8th birthday, I wrote a post detailing 8 things I liked about her. Rereading that, I thought to myself, "Gee! I should really do that for everyone in my family". I missed out on the Bureaucrat's birthday, but I will catch him the next time around. I was looking forward to doing it for the Anarchist, and then I thought, "Huh. I definitely wouldn't be able to do that for myself!"  

But then I got to thinking. I am the Birthday Princess, after all. And I am struggling to come to terms with the ceaseless march of time that has brought me to my 33rd birthday. And they do say that you should focus on the positive, the things you like about yourself. And what better, healthier, more self-helpy, and annoying way, than writing a totally non-self-deprecating blog post of all the ways I think I'm super-awesome? I'm sure I can come up with 33 things I don't hate about myself. Right guys? Right?

Deep breath. 

Here we go.

1. I am (generally) not cruel to animals. Stepping on my cat's tail is always an accident, I swear.

2. I smell like coffee sometimes. Sometimes more than I'd like. But I guess that's better than smelling like dead fish more than I'd like.

3. I know how to pronounce this word: ARTISAN. 

4. I know how to pronounce this word: ARTESIAN.

5. I know that ARTISAN and ARTESIAN are not the same words.

6. My name is "Molly," and even though that's probably the name of your golden retriever, I actually really like my name. It makes me sound like an optimistic and energetic toddler. Never mind that there is nothing energetic or optimistic about me. At least it sounds like there is.

7. Sometimes, when I  cook things, they are edible. This is better than no times. 

8. I am introspective. Do not read "introspective" to mean "self-absorbed" or "neurotic," or this will sound like a negative and I will have to come up with something else.

9. I am not super materialistic. Like...I can sit on the same, tipping over, cracked and broken, nasty plaid couch for years on end and it won't even phase me...which is good, because this couch has become a permanent fixture of my living room. 

10. I'm strong and composed. I don't cry at the drop of a hat. Unless I watch some sort of touching commercial about motherhood...or a movie with dying animals...or that part in Forrest Gump where the music swells and the stupid feather is swept into the air by the wind *sob.*

11. I have loads of empathy. I can feel your pain. I can say,"I feel your pain" in my best Bill Clinton voice and actually mean it. (It would be really great if you could only feel nice, pleasant, happy feelings around me, if it's not too much trouble. Thanks.)

12. I am not a serial killer.

13. But I can empathize with serial killers (see #11).

14. I am not even a one-time killer.

15. In fact, I have never even been arrested. 

16. Heck...the one time I was pulled over, it was for a broken tail light. 

17. I can do hard things. Like, sometimes, after I take the laundry out of the dryer, I even fold it and put it away. Sometimes.

18. Okay, this is getting really hard.

Also, I made these hilarious little people.
That counts for something, right?

19. I am polite. I say "please" and "thank you" a lot. But I say "sorry" most of all.

20. I would make an awesome Canadian (see#19). 

21. I can write really concise, really articulate impromptu essays. This really hasn't been relevant for at least 10 years, but this is getting hard, so I'm stretching, here.

22. My kids think I'm funny. You might not. My poor coworkers might not. But my kids do. At least for now. I have the sense of humor of a 7 year old. Neat.

23. I am not a fascist dictator. 

24. I have not even considered becoming a fascist dictator.

25. I am a nerd. And I actually don't hate this about myself anymore.

26. When I sing, it (usually) doesn't sound like cats dying. 

27. Speaking of which, I haven't (accidentally) killed The Fat Assassin yet. She still alive and biting my fleshy calves.

28. I am (mostly) more mature than I was ten years ago. Mostly.

29. I am clumsier than you. This makes you feel better about yourself when you are clumsy. Therefore, my clumsiness performs a service to humanity. So I can be okay with it. Right?

30. I'm never disappointed. (Never mind that this is because I expect the worst...like, the apocalyptic, we're-all-gonna-die worst. Let's just focus on the positive, shall we?)

31. I don't engage in "positive self-talk." Positive self-talk, while probably a good and beneficial thing, is the single most infuriating and obnoxious phrase known to man. Therefore, my staunch abstention from positive self-talk is actually a good thing. 

32. I can twist anything to work in my favor. 

33. I have follow-through. I made it all the way to number 33, and I didn't even have to resort to lying drivel. I just wrote down a bunch of negatives and made them positive instead. See? I'm resourceful, too!*

*I had to throw an extra positive into #33, because it turns out that #18 was not actually a valid thing I like about myself...or even a valid fake thing I like about myself. And I'm not a cheater. Ooh! Did you catch that? I threw a bonus thing into the footnotes! Do I get extra credit for that?!