Six Simple Steps for Never Spending a Cent in Disney World Again!

Disney World is known as the "happiest place on earth." And that's lovely, and all, but I imagine it's only the happiest place on earth if going there doesn't force you into foreclosure and untold debt. Sure, wearing sparkly Mickey ears and watching magical light parades and fireworks may be fun in the moment, but not when you end up having to pawn those Mickey ears in order to feed your now poverty-stricken family. Obviously, for many people, simple financial planning, a system of saving, and a little penny pinching here and there will go a long way to getting you on the Disney vacation of their dreams. Or maybe you already have boatloads of cash. Good for you! Get that week-long package deal with first class plane tickets, deluxe resort accommodations, high-end champagne and caviar dining packages, and a cadre of Disney-themed servant monkeys, or whatever it is you wealthy people do on vacation.

Watching the balloon go up and down. This
is free, so pretend it is fun.

But the rest of us still seek the silver bullet of going to Orlando on the cheap, and my friends, I have found it. My family went to Orlando this past week. We were less than 10 minutes away from the happiest place on earth. Our children emerged happy and delighted at the outcome of our vacation.

And we didn't spend a single cent on theme park tickets.

Yup. Not a cent. And I'll tell you our magical secret.

We have our children convinced that they do not want to go.

That's right. We have two little girls who grew up on a steady diet of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Disney Princesses who have no desire to go to Disney World. These children, who treat the movie Frozen like it's their religion, did not once beg us to allow them access to the Magic Kingdom. How? Well, we're just about the smartest parents ever, that's how. And now I will share our trick with you.

1) Raise children with low tolerance for extreme temperatures, especially heat. Live in a place like Michigan. Experience a polar vortex or two. Your children will feel confused and betrayed by extreme heat. Sweat will terrify them. They will be convinced that they need to either go inside or die immediately. Encourage this. It will pay off later.

Convince your kids that when the sign says
that Disney World is "Where Dreams Come True,"
what it actually means by "dreams" is sweat-soaked,
agoraphobic nightmares. 

2) Create impatient children. In the age of technology and immediate gratification, this shouldn't be too hard. But just to be sure, make sure at least you or your spouse has an impatient temperament. You're sure to pass of this genetic predisposition to at least one of your children. I have enough impatience for the whole Morton clan, but the Anarchist also got her fair share.

3) Raise lazy children who hate moving around. I suggest video games and television, but you do whatever works for you and your family.

4) When you first enter the Orlando area, walk a long time and wait in a long line for something relatively boring.

5) When your dear offspring complain about how awful and unbearable the heat is, and how they're probably going to die from all the walking and standing, and how they are entitled to somehow never, ever have to wait in lines, say this:

"I don't think you'd like Disney World very much, then. The lines are even longer than this, you have to walk everywhere, and it's SO HOT."

TIP: Don't mention the various forms of transportation, Fast Pass access, or indoor attractions at Disney. What they don't know won't hurt them.

6) Pray that your child responds like my Dictator did:

"Yeah. You're right. That sounds awful. I don't think I would like Disney World very much. Maybe when I'm older."

And then just take advantage of your hotel pool, which my kids claimed was the most fun thing they'd ever done in their lives. Yup.  Free swimming. I am like, the most brilliant cheapskate mom, ever.

Have a "character meet and greet" with the
Seven Dwarfs (statues outside of the Lego Store).
Or maybe pretend this is a sort of mine ride. Have
your kids jump up and down to simulate the
vertical motion of a roller coaster. Neato.

"But why on earth would you go to Orlando, if you weren't going to a theme park?" you ask. Well, our family went for a dance convention. I don't know why you would do such a thing, it sounds kind of insane to me, but if you find yourself stuck in Orlando with no money (maybe you're there for the National Kung Fu Convention? No. For real, they have those*), I really think you should try convincing your kids that they would hate Disney World.

Mine sure hate it. And they've never even been there. But I'll tell you one more thing, when I finally get a big-kid job, my first order of business is to plan the most funnest of all times Disney World vacations. Because I know how magical it is, and I so badly want a pair of those sparkly Mickey ears. And maybe I'll even splurge on some servant monkeys.



BACKUP PLAN: If your kids are very young, or very naive, maybe you can convince them that Downtown Disney is a theme park. Buy them some mouse ears, stand around watching the hot air balloon go up and down, maybe splurge on a carousel ride, and have lunch at a themed restaurant. We went to T-Rex and had a great time. We probably could have convinced the kids that it was "Prehistoric Land" or something, but that just didn't seem honest. And we're nothing if not honest.

The Dictator and I enjoy a meal
at what shall henceforth be known as
"Prehistoric Land," the newest (fake)
Disney theme park.

*The ambulance was at our hotel multiple times. I'm convinced that this was because people were Kung Fu-ing each other to death. They carry around real live weapons! In a resort! Hard core.