New Year's Resolutions...ha ha, yeah, like those ever work...

This year I resolve to be alluringly mysterious.
Or maybe just more organized. 
Whichever turns out to be the easiest.

Okay, so this year I resolve to go on a completely Vegan, raw produce diet, wear exclusively fair trade clothing, never lose my patience with my children, reduce/reuse/recycle everything, take up smoking so that I can promptly make a valiant effort to quit, take shorter showers and save the world.

Nope.  Nope.  I definitely do not.

New Year's Resolutions are a ridiculous tradition.  People consistently break them.  The new year is not really a useful psychological motivator to start doing things differently.  I don't make New Year's resolutions because I'm better than that.  Or lazier.  Or I just don't like to set myself up for disappointment.  Pick any or all of the above.

That being said, I'm totally making a few, modest resolutions this year.  Because when everyone else does it on Facebook, I feel left out.  And I don't like feeling left out.

So without further ado, my 2011 Completely Unrelated to New Year's Non-Resolutions:

1)  I will make an attempt to wake up early enough in the morning that I am not forced to rush the Dictator to the bus stop.  Rushing the Dictator is the most futile and frustrating endeavor known to humankind.  And it results in yelling, crayon-throwing, crying, whining, and tantrums...mostly on my part.

2)  I non-resolve to keep track of all the adorable things my children say so that when they're teenagers I have something to embarrass them with.  Note the new "Pages" section at the bottom of this blog.  That's where these adorable things will be stored...because I also resolve to be that irritatingly doting parent that forces my kids' perceived adorableness on all of my friends/acquaintances.  You're welcome.

3)  I pledge to actually go get a new pair of eyeglasses frames to replace the pair I sat on last year.  That way, I'll be able to see again when I drive at night...and look a little more like Liz Lemon.  Who may or may not be my personal hero.

Donning the ill-fated glasses, back when I could still read street signs.
Note the loving relationship the Dictator and I share here. 
It's because I wasn't rushing her.

4)  I non-resolve to work-out so that I no longer feel winded when climbing (slowly) a flight of stairs.  Also, I hope to reduce the blurred vision and chest pain I experience after my sporadic, but apparently intense rounds of "So You Think You Can Dance" disco-themed cardio by building up my stamina.  Yes, I know this is a terribly cliche New Year's Resolution.  So I will add to it this: I resolve to workout this year when I feel like it.  There.  At least it's honest now.  Isn't that refreshing?

Some of you may perceive this as a Keeping Up With the Joneses New Year's Resolutions sell-out.  To that I can only say, I want to be just like the Joneses some day, because they're the cool kids and they recycle, quit smoking, save the whales and all that jazz.  If you pretend you don't want to keep up with the Joneses, you lie.  Liar.  Pants on fire.

Some  of you may perceive this as a lack of effort on my part...I'm assuming this applies to those of you who are making those extra lofty New Year's resolutions involving veganism, responsible energy consumption, organized closets, community involvement and all that nonsense.  To you I say, best of luck in 2011.  Seriously.  You're going to need it.