Tantrum Prevention and Me (or, Thanks for Nothing, Supernanny!)

The Anarchist has a new hobby.  She throws tantrums.  She throws several a day.  She watches herself in the mirror as she throws them in order to perfect her facial expressions and overall technique.  She experiments with hurling different objects at different rates of speed, gauging the overall effectiveness of her antics by the amount of wrath she incurs.  And she emits varying pitches of banshee screams when in public in order to discover which shrill tone garners the most disgust from passers by.  She's going to have this thing down to a science in a few more weeks.  That is, if we don't pawn her off on some sympathetic and unsuspecting relatives first.

I'm generally pretty patient with tantrums.  Other things make me livid with rage and impatience, but tantrums tend to leave me unfazed.  However, this is getting ridiculous.  I think I'm going to have to call in Supernanny.

The problem is, I don't beat my children, have a dysfunctional relationship with my ex-husband/teenager/mom, or have some sort of tear-jerking story involving military service, orphaned puppies or a tragic past.  So Supernanny's never going to come and save our boring little family.

Luckily, she has a website.

According to the Supernanny website, "every child will throw a tantrum at some point."  Well thanks, experts.  Thanks for the reassurance that I have "a tantrum" in store for me.  Oh...wait...make that at least two or three a day.  Yeah, that's right.  I'm not comforted.  I'm annoyed.  In what perfect world should I only expect one? 

Moving on.  The Supernanny site also lists several techniques for preventing tantrums.  Here are a few:

• "Have clear routines to your child’s day; for example regular lunch, nap, bath and bedtimes."

My children live out a routine that would make an obsessive-compulsive proud.  The   Dictator see to that.  Our routine looks something like this:

Wake up.  Get dressed.  Eat breakfast.  Put on shoes.  Commence screaming about coat/hat/mittens.  Escalate to tantrum.  Be 3 minutes late for school.  Return from school.  Wash hands.   Throw tantrum.  Eat lunch.  Nap.  Wake up.  Throw tantrum.  Have dinner.  Play.  Throw tantrum.  Bedtime story.  Bed.  Repeat.

As you can see, routine does not prevent  the tantrum, more than it provides a predictable structure in which to throw the tantrum.

• "Plan ahead, keeping an eye on frustration levels so you can step in before they go over the top."

I would love to step in before the frustration levels of my children go over the top.  The problem is, my kids' frustration levels begin at "over the top."  So I never really had a chance to begin with.

• "Give children some control and choice over what to eat, wear or play with."

Me:  Anarchist, would you like to eat blackberries or strawberries?
Anarchist:  I want grapes.
Me:  Unfortunately, we don't have any grapes.  Would you like  blackberries or strawberries?
Anarchist (flinging herself dramatically to the floor and shrieking like a banshee/screech owl hybrid): I WANT GRAPES!!!!! GET ME GRAPES!!!

This is not the technique for us, apparently.

• "As children reach pre-school age, talk to them about how you want them to behave in different situations and have clear, simple rules."

          That's adorable.  But she's an anarchist. 

So it's clear that in my family, preventing tantrums is an exercise in futility (one of many in which I engage on a daily basis, it turns out).  Thank goodness, then, that the Supernanny website also blesses us with helpful tips to deal with tantrums should they occur (and occur they shall, Supernanny, occur they shall).  I'll try some of them (oh, wait, I probably already have) and let you know how it turns out for us at a later date.  Something tells me this isn't going to be pretty.  Maybe if I were a matronly amazon with a British accent I'd stand half a chance.  But I'm pretty sure I more closely resemble an exasperated baby squirrel...and when was the last time you respected or feared a baby squirrel?  Exactly.

Wish me luck.