The Morton Family Guide to Going to Church Like a Real Suburbanite: INSTALLMENT I, Finding Church

Let me preface this post by pointing out that I am now officially qualified to give all sorts of helpful advice regarding churchgoing etiquette.  As you might remember, the Morton family had been going all indie/uber-authentic/whatever and doing house church like a bunch of little hipster kids (or...you know...persecuted religious minorities in oppressive regimes...either way).  Anyway, we thought we were too fantastic for entrenched institutions, especially those soul-crushing mega churches.  But here's the thing: we live in the mecca of all suburban enclaves, and pretty soon, one way or another, the suburbs will overtake and engulf you.

Suffice it to say, I now aspire to own three pairs of khaki capris, drive a mini van, and shop at Walmart.  In the meantime, I have already accomplished one such suburban goal: I (and my family) now attend a (modest) megachurch. 

Nice, suburban families like this one should really find a
"real" church to attend.

I know, I know.  We're huge sellouts.  What can I say?  They sucked our kids in with their child-dazzling Sunday school; and if there's anything suburbanites are good at, it's pandering to their children.    "We LOVE Sunday school!" sang the little Mortons, and the big Mortons followed along like happy little lemmings. 

We have been attending a "real" church for about a month now.  Thusly, I feel more than fully qualified to offer helpful tips relating to church and your families.  You're welcome.

INSTALLMENT 1:  FINDING THE RIGHT SUBURBAN CHURCH FOR YOU

First, of course, you have to resolve to go to church.  Whether you've not been attending church because it seems devoid of meaning, is emotionally scarring, hypocritical, not authentic, inconvenient, scary, not scary enough, or because you're a stark raving atheist, you're a devout Muslim/Hindu/etc., or--like our family--you're just way too into church to go to church because church is actually not churchy enough, you need to forget your hangups, sell out, and go anyway.  Seriously.  Otherwise the rest of my helpful advice will become completely irrelevant to you.  And, after all, shouldn't your spiritual decisions be based entirely upon what will boost my self-esteem?  Of course they should.  So go to church.*

To decide which style of suburban church is right for you, consider the following questions:

• Are you a Gen Xer?  If so, look for a church that reminds you more of a movie theater or a mall, or for that matter, anywhere you used to spend exorbitant amounts of time as a teenager.  See if you can find the word "relevant" in the description.  This church will most likely be filled with 30-40 somethings and their families.  You will get all sorts of helpful messages from the pastor about how to apply Christianity to your job in middle management/sales/engineering.
  
  



Doesn't this look "organic?"
(shout out to the Bureaucrat for
this lovely photo)

• Are you a post-modern?  If you don't know what I mean by this, then you probably aren't.  If you do and you are (and you are smirking in an elitist way at those who don't/aren't), look for churches where the pastors have tattoos (preferably sleeves).  This is a good first sign.  Also, look for the words "organic," "authentic," and "conversation" on the church's website.  See if you can find a church with cryptic images on the overhead screens (to scare away the old people). Be sure to scan the crowd to assure yourself that at least half of the members of the congregation have ironic facial hair/glasses/smirks.  If so, you are in good company.  Double check: is there a coffee in your hand?  Is there a smartphone in your other hand?  Yes?  Good.  Looks like you've found your church home.
  
  
• Do you hate church and want to participate as little as possible?  Find a church that touts its "seeker friendly" status.  See if you can find one with stadium seats and a super-loud worship band.  Make sure the church takes place in the pitch black dark.  Now no one can hear you not singing, see you not paying attention, feel you drooling as you fall asleep next to them.  You may be asked (politely) to let Jesus into your heart.  You probably won't have to demonstrate that you're listening to him once he's there.
  
  
• Do you have a six-figure income?  Consider looking for a church by scanning the parking lot for luxury vehicles.  The Jesus in this church will probably not be presented to you in such a way as to make you feel bad for having that Lexus and wearing those Louboutins.
  
  
• Looking for a church that loves America as much as you do?    Fear not.  Many suburban churches proudly fly the American flag all over their churches, sing "God Bless America" on a regular basis, and support your rights as a citizen.  These churches are much less likely to pander to culture and a much more likely to pander to good, old-fashioned patriotism.
  
  
• Like tradition?  You can probably find a "dying" mainline church (think: Lutheran, Methodist, Presbyterian, Episcopalian...without "evangelical" in the title) in your community.  It will probably be very nice--just like the church Grandma used to attend--but less than half of the seats will  probably be filled.  Tragic, really.**  The good news is,  you'll totally have a place to put your coat.
  
  
• Have a young family?  Look for churches with websites that have lots of pictures of smiling families in khakis.  There should be entire pages devoted to children's ministries with catchy names.  Scope out the high school ministry pages (sure to be titled "Epic," "Relevant," "The Rock," or some equally cool name) to make sure that, at some point, when your children are teenagers, they will have the opportunity to play paintball at church.  This is crucial to their formation as young Christians.
  
  Bonus points if your church has a MOPS group, a bounce house in the summer, or the a Vacation Bible School that puts Disney World to shame.  WWJD?  He'd make sure your kids had so much fun they forgot they were at church, that's what He'd do!
  
  
• Subscribe to the theory of "bigger is better?"  Good news!  So do the suburbs!  And do they ever have the churches for you!  If they haven't targeted you with their well-placed marketing schemes, you have been living in a cave.  Why aren't you already attending one of your local monstrosities? The problem might be that it is often hard to physically locate these churches.  While they are enormous, they often look less like churches than industrial parks and are surrounded by so many acres of parking lot, that it's easy to dismiss them as mere airports.  Be assured, these are so much more than airports (although do not be surprised if your local mega church comes equipped with at least one airport). Mega churches are the epitome of capitalism-meets-religious institution.  Coffee shops, bookstores, schools, cafes, meeting areas, these churches have it all.  Mega churches are your one-stop-God-shops in a world where Goliath beats David, Jesus overturns the money changing tables in the temple to make room for a new Starbucks, and those who hunger and thirst aren't so much blessed as given an opportunity to purchase a frothy caramel latte.
  
  
• Does this all just sound awful to you?  Don't fret.  I made it sound so much worse than it is because I am an incurable cynic.  There are people doing good and meaningful things in all sorts of places, even the suburbs (even in mega-churches, even while wearing Louboutins).  That being said, if you really think that you'll have an easier time finding Jesus in the faces of the poor, and you're terrified of being culturally subsumed by the apathy-inducing, pacifying suburbs, I would consider leaving as fast as you can.  End the lease on your studio apartment, hop on your bike and ride off into the sunset.  Wait...you already bought a minivan (the kind your kids love, with the TV screens and folding seat) and a starter home (which you, of course, can't sell), and are eternally embedded in the suburbs with us?  Hmm...House Church might re-form one day, but in the mean time I guess we'll all have to humble ourselves and do the best with what we've got.  I, for one, am already looking forward to sipping coffee at my next "authentic" church service.  Now, where did I put that ironic facial hair?

*This has been my once in a lifetime act of overt evangelism, and it wasn't even sincere.  Cue smiting.

**It has been said that one reason for the demise of these traditional churches is that they fail to market themselves adequately.  This may be so, after all, the message of Jesus really has to do with shopping around to find the things that best fulfill my personal preferences.  I, however, am tempted to attribute the death of the traditional denominational church to its utter lack of irony...and lattes.