All of the Art Songs I Half-Remember in an Unfortunate Nutshell

I took voice lessons in high school, so I got to dabble in the odd art form of the "art song." Art songs are weird, and also really culturally specific. Here is what I remember of them, melded with what I remember of various types of choral music. I bet it's super accurate:

Italian Art/Choral Song:

"The world is full of love, and roses. This beautiful woman is like a rose, so I love her. I also love roses. And love. I love that, too. Because it reminds me of beautiful women...and roses"

Spanish/Portuguese Choral Song:

"The sun burns me by day. The moon moons me by night. And all of the time there is a fire. So much fire. The fire is inside my chest like the sun. But not so much the moon. Beautiful women are like the moon. Also, I like to sneak out with them under the moon. Because of the fire. The one in my chest. Pretty much there is fire everywhere. And of course, roses. Always roses. (Also, if I wasn't completely clear, I'm totally going to have sex with the beautiful moon/rose/fire woman now. At night. With the burning)."

Latin Choral Song:

"Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord have mercy. Seriously. We're all gonna die. Die in deathy death. Have so much mercy. Have all the mercy. Amen."

French Art Song:

"And I can't even smell the lavender, because of all the tears!"

"Higher-level, semi-sophisticated metaphors about love and beauty. Probably there is a bird somewhere in this song. Way superior to all that other junk. Because we are French and we said so."

German Art/Choral Song:

"I am in a boat. A big, sturdy boat. On a cliff is a house. A big, sturdy house. The big, sturdy house reminds me of my lady. She is big and sturdy like a house. This turns me on. I'm going to go knock on the door of her big, sturdy house until she lets me in. No. This song is not actually about sex. It is about architecture, of course. Architecture and sturdy women. I'm not sure what else there is in the world to concern oneself with."

English/Scottish/Irish Art Song:

"I love Johnny so much it makes me cry. Because of course, Johnny is not here, here in this field of lavender/thistle/wildflowers/various herbs with me. Johnny is gone. Gone far, far away. To war, or maybe on a boat for some reason, or maybe he ran off with some woman. And here I sit. Tragic and poor. Tragic and poor in this beautiful, sad field of lavender. And I can't even smell the lavender because of the tears. My mom says to suck it up. This is life. I'm poor, I just need to gather some lavender and get over it. But I'm so sad. And also it is raining. So I'm probably going to fling myself off this lavender-covered cliff into the sea, now. But first I will run to the market. Because I need to sell this lavender, and probably also some herbs, and a bolt of really British looking wool. The wool is a metaphor for my sadness. So is the cliff. But the rain? The rain is just British."

American Art Song:

"Babies are sleeping, so I'm singing about them using stuff I totally, unashamedly lifted from slave spirituals. Or maybe I will sing about mermaids. Mermaids are things people sing about in art songs, right? Right guys?""