A Mere Facebook Post Cannot Contain My Offspring

You know that cut and paste nonsense that's going around Facebook? The one that's all like, "Ask your adorable tots these questions about yourself and see what adorable, little kid things they say." Well, my kids aren't adorable tots, but they still wanted to do it, because they think they are adorable, and they like when I post things about them all over social media, because I won't let them post things about themselves all over social media. Also, I was hoping they would say super flattering things about me. Anyway, I did a group interview. And of course, our family goodness was just spilling out all over the place. It was obscene amounts of Morton. Too much for one tiny Facebook post. Luckily, I have a blog. And too much time on my hands, while I wait for my children to go to bed (I asked them to do that thing a half an hour ago, and they are still down here doing a Muppets-style cover of a 21 Pilots Song, which is utterly hilarious, but definitely NOT what I asked them to do). Anyway, I find the responses rather revealing. Also, I detect a theme here. Apparently, I am a drowsy glutton. 1. What is something I always say? Dictator: "What are you doing?!"

Anarchist: "SHHH! SHHH! SHHH!"

Dictator: I want to go with that one, too, actually.

That's fair.

2. What makes me happy?
D: Llamas, narwhals, sloths, cheese, and sleep.
A: CHEESE! AND HUGS!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and under certain circumstances, as long as it isn't awkward.

3. What makes me sad?

D: No sleep.
A: Not sleeping.

Truth.

4. How do I make you laugh?

D: By talking really funny, and telling funny stories about things that happened at work.
A: By telling us that one blog about the American Girl dolls.

If I told you my customer-related work stories, you'd laugh too.

5. What was I like as a child?

A: Shy and adorable.
D: Puffy hair. And funny, probably. Obviously.

6. How old am I?

D: 34!
A: ...And a half!

Rub it in, Anarchist. Rub it in.

7. How tall am I?

D: About, 5 foot something. I don’t know.
A: About...10 feet. You can NOT be 5 foot something. I’M 4 foot something.
D: 6 feet, maybe?
A: I feel like she’s 8 feet tall. Let’s just go with that. That's right, kids. I'm a freaking amazon.,

Waiting for their 8 foot tall mother to get off her phone,
put down her cheesy crackers, and let them in the car
so they can go home and be deprived of computer games
while she resumes napping.

8. What's my favorite thing to do?

D: Check your Facebook, play little alphabet games on your phone, eat cheese, and sleep.
A: SLEEP! Go on your phone and play games. Keep me from playing computer games.

Incorrect. The correct answer is "watching Netflix in my pajamas while eating cheese, eventually passing out and drooling all over Daddy."

9. What do I do when you're not around?

D: Nap, go out to lunches with Grandma and the new baby who--by the way--we haven’t seen in FOREVER.

A: Mmm...date with Dad. Or be at work and sleep, or stuff. Work and sleep or stuff. Apt.

10. What am I really good at?

D: Writing funny blog posts.
A: Napping and eating cheese. And snuggling us.

I am the Cheese Eating Champion of the world.

11. What am I not good at?

D: Minecraft. You are NOT good at Minecraft. Or Mario Kart
A: You’re not good at not being sleepy. Okay, listen, kiddos. When I was your age I didn't have video games, so I never got a chance to develop hand-eye coordination. So of course I'm bad at Mario Kart. And Minecraft is stupid. Too many blocks. And if you slept four hours a night you would be bad at not being sleepy, too. By the way, the correct answer was "trigonometry."

12. What do I do for a job?

D: Barista!
A: Barista. Maybe one day I will just lie and tell them I do something that will impress them. Like astronaut, or president, or video game YouTuber.

13. What's my favorite food?

D: Cheese.
A: CHEESE!
CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!

14. What do you enjoy doing with me?

D: Doing art and stuff with you. Showing you earwax plays. A: Hugging you. Oh, my babies, I love your earwax plays, your art, and your hugs. You kids are my favorite things, although as you've made clear, cheese and sleep come in a close second. So go to bed so mommy can eat a snack or three and pass out on the couch while watching Netflix. *drools*