Earwax, the Musical

It is the second week of Christmas break. My kids are bored, loopy, and not getting along. The Anarchist is actually threatening to off herself/others less than usual, which is a positive for sure, but the amount of squealing and thrashing in my home has increased to epic levels. My nerves are shot. I want to go home. Oh wait, this is home. So when the Anarchist begged the Dictator to play with her for the thirty-thousandth time, the Dictator answered with an emphatic "no," and the Anarchist looked like she might die of sorrow, the Bureaucrat and I lost our minds and made a desperate suggestion.

Bureaucrat: "Why don't you guys put on a play with your dolls together?"

Dictator: "Oh yeah! We never showed you guys the Belly Button Lint Show! We could do THAT show for you!"

Bureaucrat (who won't be around this evening, and is clearly a total jerk): "That's a GREAT idea!"

Anarchist (singing, to the tune of "Do You Want to Build a Snowman"): "Do you want to build a LINT MAN??"

Dictator: "Wait. I remember performing that for them already."

Anarchist (crestfallen): "Oh. Yeah."

Dictator: "Well, I guess we can't play together, after all."

[At this point, the Anarchist looks like she's about to fling her plate across the table and start shrieking like a monkey, which is a thing that can actually happen in our family at dinnertime.]

Me (really desperate, now): "Uh...what about a sequel? A sequel to the Belly Button Lint Show. What about...uh..."Earwax?"  Uh..."Earwax, the Musical?"

Anarchist and Dictator (in unison, and harmony, and peace forever): "YES!!! Earwax, the Musical! It's gonna be all improv...'cause no one wants to deal with reading scripts."

Guys, I brought this on myself. I know I did. But please help me share the load. It's too much for one woman. I need a village. A village to watch Earwax, the Musical with me. Please take your seats, silence your electronic devices, and refrain from eating in the theater (it really distracts the plastic actors). The show is about to begin.

The Cast L-R: Dictator, Responsible Doll, Phoebe the Earwax victim,
Anarchist Jr. the wounded, Anarchist. This is before the onstage nudity.
Onstage nudity is totally okay, because it's for the sake of art, and we are
all about that in our super-classy family.

Oh geez, guys. There's a curtain.

The curtain is the Dictator standing behind a fleece Unicorn blanket. The curtain is undulating.

From behind the curtain, the Anarchist emerges to introduce the show, and reveal some unpleasant information (while jumping up and down without ceasing):

"Hello, and welcome to our show, Earwax, the Musical."  Hang in there, because it might be a pretty darned long one!"  


(Oh, lord, I am doomed.)

ACT I

The curtain does a little pirouette and then struts away. A handful of dolls emerge from a pile behind the Bureaucrat's chair. One, who I assume is the lead character, is covered in bandages and casts, and limps out on crutches is flung onto the stage next to some crutches. All of the characters launch into a song and dance routine song and bouncing up and down routine which contains the opening (and, I fear, ONLY) musical number.

"Phoebe has a lot of medical problems from pee to belly button lint. Phoebe has a lot of medical problems, and we don't know what to do about IT! [dramatic tempo change] Phoebe has medical prob-LEMS. We never know what it could be. Phoebe has medical PROB-lems. And now she's really gotta pee!!!!"

The song continues on for quite some time, and considering its unscripted nature, it is actually decently in unison. More bodily functions and maladies are listed, and there is a lot of bouncing.

Then, a doll (the American Girl knock-off with the feral-cave-woman dreadlocks, who is usually relegated to playing the bad guy) in a white dress collapses, and the other dolls crowd around her obviously concerned. She begins thrashing. The other dolls act startled.

DOLLS, in unison: Oh no, Phoebe! Are you okay?

"Wait, who's she?" I ask. I thought Phoebe was the totally-wounded looking doll.

"It's Phoebe. Duh!" my kids reply, totally breaking character.

"Then who's the doll with all the broken bones and bandages?"

"That's Anarchist Jr. She just likes to break body parts to get attention, but she's not important in this show."

ANARCHIST JR., melodramatically: OHHHH! MY LEG IS KILLING ME! CAN I SIT DOWN?

An exam is ordered for Phoebe (the doll on the floor, not the doll in the casts). An exam that requires doll-nudity. This poor doll always has to get naked. Good thing she has crazy dreadlocks with which to cover herself.

The next scene is basically stage directions spoken aloud. Poop and pee samples are taken into a party hat. A fight breaks out over who gets to take the earwax sample. Anarchist Jr. talks incessantly about how much her broken body parts hurt. The scene fades with everyone talking distractedly, while the naked earwax-having crazy doll continues to thrash around on the ground.

ACT II

Scene I

The scene opens as some doll or other manages to extract a bloody, yes bloody ear wax sample from the unfortunate Phoebe. Then, in a moment of supernatural majesty, four aging Cabbage Patch dolls sporting tiaras and wands emerge from Phoebe's ear are tossed haphazardly onto the stage.

EARWAX SISTERS (singing-ish): We are Millie, Maggie, Michelle, and Maddie and we are the Earwax Sisters! Oh, we are your earwax, yes, we are your earwax, oh we are your earwax, earwax, earwax, earwax, earwax, earwax, earwax, earwax, earwax, earwax...repeat, ad nauseum.

(Okay. So I lied. There was kind of another musical number. But really, this was more like bad Gregorian chant sung by gross Muppets. It doesn't really count.)

At this point, one of the sisters, whose names the Anarchist and Dictator had obviously forgotten (I reminded them, as I had been taking copious notes to keep my sanity), spoke.

MILLIE, OR WHOEVER: "Hey Phoebe. We've been livin' in your ear since you were two years old. Hee hee hee. WE SNEAKY!" 

OTHER, RESPONSIBLE SOUNDING DOLL (i.e., one belonging to the Dictator): Can you guys please go back into her ear?

MAGGIE, OR WHOEVER: Okay! G'BYE Chicky Poos!

PHOEBE (overwhelmed, by the singing ear wax, or her hair, or something): Can I put my clothes back on now?

RESPONSIBLE DOLL: No. We need to obtain further information.

ANARCHIST JR.: Can I sit down? My legs are killing me!

At this point, there is some sort of twinkly-ish sound effect, as yet another doll is lowered in from above the Bureaucrat's chair. We are told that she is Joy the Fairy. Just to drive the point home, She announces herself as well.

JOY THE FAIRY, who is clearly mildly insane: I am Joy the Fairy. I will give you answers. 

The other characters turn to her, expectantly. Earwax mysteries are a big deal.

JOY THE FAIRY: You will need to go to the doctor for answers, because I don't actually contain any answers. 

Oh, thanks a lot, Joy. Fat lot of good you turned out to be. Luckily an elderly doll (we are told this fact by an omniscient offstage voice) enters the scene. Her name is Doctor Brown. She has a strange, elderly person accent, rendering about half of her dialogue unintelligible. 

DOCTOR BROWN: I believe you have a severe case of the...

OTHER DOLLS (frantically): Please leave! Please leave! Please leave! It's not a good time!

(First they send the ear wax back into her ear, then they reject any attempt at a diagnosis. I'm starting to believe these other dolls don't really want  to see Phoebe cured. Jerks.)

DOCTOR BROWN: ...a severe case of the Earwax Family!

Offstage Omniscient Voice: "No, Anarchist! They're not family, they're just sisters!" 

DOCTOR BROWN: Oh yeah. Okay. Earwax Sisters. Anyway, get to an ER right now.

OTHER DOLLS: We don't have enough money to go to the ER, stupid!

These dolls must have our insurance.

DOCTOR BROWN: Here. Take all the money I have. But only spend it on the ER.

OTHER DOLLS: Okay!

ACT III

The Mall
An End Table by the Couch

DOLLS: Doctor Brown just gave us two million dollars. She won't even notice if half of it is missing. Let's go to the mall!

The aftermath of the mall trip. No one bothered
to buy Phoebe any clothes, but at least she got
a noisemaker.

The dolls proceed to "shop," decking themselves out in leis, party hats, and old New Year's noisemakers that they purchase with their ill-gotten gains.

RESPONSIBLE DOLL: We're just gonna deprive her of all her money, because that's what we do.

JOY THE FAIRY (entering noisily and without her headpiece): You need to go to the MOUNTAIN. NOW!!! You must find the TREE! FIND THE TREE! (And I need to find my headband), but you guys should FIND THE TREE!

Her voice makes me want to stab my ears out, but I sit politely, because these are my precious children.

The Anarchist and the Dictator become a flurry of activity. It appears the scene is shifting. When they settle again. Joy the Fairy is decked out in all green, and is perched atop a foot stool.

The other characters ask her where they can find the tree.

Joy smiles mysteriously and then reveals the truth.

She's the tree.

Joy's flippin' insane.

Joy the Fairy is a tree. Joy the Fairy is nuts.

ACT III

A Vomitorium?

This whole scene can be summed up in three lines. 

JOY THE FAIRY: Do you guys want answers? Then you need to barf. That's all you have to do to get answers.

PHOEBE: Who wants to eat the barf? I call the puddle of pink barf!

OTHER DOLLS: Do we all need to eat the barf, or is Phoebe the only one who needs to? To be safe, let's just all eat the barf. 

ANARCHIST JR.: Oh! My legs!

ACT IV

Scene I

A Garden Grove, on a Hillside

A  Battered Footstool

JOY THE FAIRY: I've been stupid all this time. It's time for me to actually tell you what you have to do. Journey for two hours to the forbidden sea and turn left at the unicorns.

You guys. Act III never had to happen. I could have spent the time I was using to cover my eyes and rock back and forth to self-comfort during all those barf scenes to do yoga, or commune with nature, or clean my house play word games on my phone.

Okay, so maybe Act III was really a moment of self-discovery for the dolls. Like, maybe they realized how interrelated their fates are. Or maybe they realized their carnal cravings. Maybe they will grow from here. Maybe Act III was a symbolic turning point! Probably my kids are artists. They are geniuses and this is a masterpiece. It is just too deep for my comprehension.

Anyway, the characters at some point board an invisible submarine. We know this because they mutter things about being on a submarine. Eventually, they find the unicorn.

UNICORN (in dignified tones): Go where I have spit my beautiful barf. There you will find your answers.

Artistic. Geniuses.

Scene II

The Undersea Realm of the Unicorn's Beautiful Barf

My IKEA rocking chair

The dialogue in this scene is mostly unworthy of print. But the plot really picks up here.

First, the characters discover a giant, underwater seal. I don't think that the Anarchist and Dictator had really planned on the discovery of the seal, but the Anarchist's seal just happened to be in the path of where the characters were headed in their search for unicorn barf, and it was just too imposing to ignore.

DOLLS: Oh my gosh! The Giant Seal of Answers. IT will give us answers! 

They proceed to spend a great deal of time discussing how the giant seal might do this. I proceed to spend a great deal of time wondering why they didn't just trust elderly Doctor Brown's diagnosis in the first place. I also spend a great deal of time wondering if it would be rude to get up and get myself a snack. Or maybe two snacks.

EARWAX SISTERS (who have apparently reemerged from Phoebe's ear during this odyssey): We have followed you here to get answers...oh no! The water! It isn't safe for us! We're disintegrating! DISINTEGRATING!

Okay. So my kids ARE geniuses. Joy the Fairy may have been loony as all sin, but she knew what she was up to all along. They needed to undergo this journey together. To sing together, to barf together, to ingest barf together, to search for unicorn barf together. They thought the answers were in these things, and maybe--in an indirect way--they were. The wax that clouded their ability to hear the truth could only dissolve once they had discovered that it wasn't just Phoebe, the dreadlocked pariah, who was sick. The sickness was in all of them. It was only when they underwent the trials of their quest and were plunged into the seal-infested waters of rebirth could they reemerge as self-aware dolls, connected as a community, healthy and whole.

EPILOGUE

Doctor Brown's Office

PHOEBE: Hooray! I'm better!

RESPONSIBLE DOLL: Not so fast. We just underwent a treacherous journey. We need to have you checked by the doctor again to make sure you aren't worse. Take off your clothes.

PHOEBE: Really?!

OTHER DOLLS: DO IT!!!

DOCTOR BROWN: Well, your bloody earwax is gone, but I'm afraid you have endless diarrhea. You will have to keep eating barf until you are better.

PHOEBE (defeated): When will that be?

DOCTOR BROWN: Christmas time.

PHOEBE: But...but...wait! That's a whole year!

Uproarious laughter ensues.

Phoebe is once again the naked, wild-haired social outcast. Order has been restored in the doll kingdom.

The Earwax Sisters return to the stage and sing a rousing reprise of the Earwax song.

Everyone cheers.

ANARCHIST JR. (staggering, dramatically): Owww! My poor broken leg!

The End.

You're Welcome.