16 Reasons Why I Can't Just Let it Go and Enjoy the Fifth Grade Graduation Ceremony

1. Because I CAN'T SEE. Not just because some unreasonably tall man is sitting in front of me wearing a hat. Not just because I didn't get to the school a full 45 minutes early, and so I had to sit near the back. I can't see because there is a mob of people selfishly standing directly in everyone's line of sight despite repeated requests/demands by so many other parents that they get out of the aisle return to their seats so that people can see their own children graduate.

2. Because this is the mentality that got us the Trump candidacy. It is here. Right in front of me. Manifest in yoga pants and dad jeans that refuse to sit in chairs for the good of humanity.

3. Because I don't want to care that the lady standing directly between me and viewing my precious offspring has absolutely awful underwear lines, but she has put her underwear lines right in front of my eyes.

4. Because I cannot quell the rage seething up from inside, and I might actually murder someone in a second, so maybe it's better if we just addressed this whole awful scenario instead of pretending that no one is being overtly selfish (aisle mob), and that no one else (ahem...me) is being overtly self-righteous.

5. Because the meek shall inherit the earth, but apparently not the photo opportunities at this graduation ceremony, which seems patently unfair and so can't these people who feel like they are the center of the universe get just a little bit smote or something? Puh-leez??

This is how a smug, morally superior person
photographs their child. Poorly. With lots of
parent shoulders in the shot. But no one else's
view was sacrificed for this amazing
photograph. (Dictator is the one in shades...in
the interest of privacy, the other children have
been turned into hamsters).

 6. Because the PTO Facebook page is full of parents fearfully reporting their children almost being run over by other parents at the crosswalk, because these people are actually driving into the crossing guard and young children while they cross the street, because it's not their children crossing the street, so why should they care? Same mentality.

7. Because I'm probably actually a Pharisee and you are breaking the rules.

7.1 (because I fail at counting): Because this is what you get when you promote being "proactive" in a society that already has a problem with acting wisely and considering others and the long-term consequences of actions. You get people "proactively" shoving their way into whatever space they damn well choose, to get the perfect photo of their kids at the expense of the less proactive/more considerate parents. You get that. And a Trump candidacy.

8. Because this song is sad and touching, and the ever-stoic Dictator is fighting back tears as she sings it, which is pretty emotionally intense for the Dictator. I would like to be crying for sentimental reasons, and instead I look up and have to cry for dad-jeans-in-my-face reasons.

9. Because we're all here to celebrate that several hardworking teachers spent years painstakingly teaching our children to share, take turns, think about others, and be polite, and then Yoga Pants, Underwear Lines, Dad Jeans, and Shove-y McGee and their dozen or so friends over here are undermining all those years of hard work in one horrific bad example of how to behave in groups.

10. Because I actually want to believe that most people are inherently good, and you're absolutely ruining that for me.

11. Because it's so lovely up here at the top of Kohlberg's moral pyramid, reflecting on universal principals and my own self-righteous superiority, and I feel it's only fair to drag you up from self-interested level two, where you've currently planted yourselves. Please. Come. Ascend the heights. Join me in the revelry of fretfully over-analyzing every single potential decision for its moral value until we're all paralyzed and inactive together, constantly debating the best  course of action, and never taking a single photo of our kids, because what about the negative consequences of our cameras' flashes for the people around us? Doesn't that sound fun?

12. Because you're better than this.

13. Because I'm pretty agoraphobic, and a dozen mom butts in my face is really not helping.

14. Because both of my parents were music teachers, and I have impeccable concert etiquette, which is pretty transferable to all performance/ceremony situations. One really central part of this etiquette is remaining seated like not-a-jerk for the duration of the performance/ceremony. You are being really bad at that right now. It is causing me physical pain to watch you be this bad at it. I want to help you. I want to teach you. I want to physically force you into your seat and pin you down until you stay put like a good audience member.

15. Because really, though, when we let nonsense like this happen, we create a culture where no one is accountable for the harm they cause others. This is a little thing, but it's the same mentality that leads to the bigger things. Our children are watching. Our children are learning. They are learning to take what they want, without worrying who they are taking it from. They are learning to do what pleases them, without concern for who they are stepping on in the process. They are learning that rules and compassion are for other, "weaker" people. They are learning to bully. They are learning that "winners" push and shove and ignore pleas to stop. They are learning that "losers" are those who follow the rules. They are learning that adults should act like children. They are learning that they are the center of the universe. They are learning 'murica. They are learning a Trump candidacy.

16. Because we're all better than this. So I'm not going to just let it go and enjoy the ceremony. I can't. Because when I let it go, when we all let it go, we forget to remind each other to be human. My kid already walked. I already got my picture. That's not the point. I'm not going to quietly accept that other people can't see their kids. I'm going to keep telling you to sit down. I'm going to keep reminding us that we are human. And I'm going to keep reminding myself to be human, too. Deep breaths. Be decent. Shoving people down like dominos will not grant you the moral high ground. Surrender. Sigh. Hug your kid. Write a blog post.

Look! I got a lovely picture of the Dictator,
and I didn't even harm any ne'er-do-wells
in the process!