Twelve At-Home Mental Health Remedies That Are Cheaper Than Therapy

If you're like many Americans, you might be currently feeling the effects of depression and anxiety after the rather tense election season. Maybe your candidate didn't win. Maybe some of your friendships just got a little more complicated. Maybe you dread Thanksgiving dinner with relatives who don't share your views on third party voting. Maybe you fear for your very life. Or maybe you, like me, are just one of those lucky people who walks around constantly rehearsing every regrettable action in your past past, and every potentially regrettable action of the future, drowning in the guilt of your very existence, and paralyzed by indecision. Neat.

Sweatpants therapy.
Sooooo pretty.

Whatever the reason, if you're struggling with these debilitating mental illnesses, you'll need to address them. After all, mental health is as important as physical well-being. Here's the tricky part, mental health is as important, but NOT as well covered--insurance-wise--as physical health. So maybe you've tried the pills your doctor eagerly prescribed you, but weren't a fan of the side effects. Or maybe you'd like to couple drugs with therapy, the way most mental health professionals recommend. But maybe you, like me, have to eat and pay bills and basically subsist, so therapy, while cute in theory, just isn't in the budget.

Never to worry. There are plenty of holistic ways to address your mental health needs that cost WAY less than therapy. And I, as totally-not-a-mental-health-professional-by-anyone's-definition-ever, am ready to share my personal, dreadfully ineffective, inadvisable, at-home methods of coping with serious mental disease-that-you-should-absolutely-have-addressed-by-a-professional with you.

1. Exercise. Exercise is great for you in so many ways. I personally had to rule this one out, as I can't go to a gym because social anxiety is another fun thing I have, and what if I treadmill wrong?! I could exercise at home (I have this yoga DVD that I like to scream, "DON'T TELL ME TO BREATHE!" at), but my death kitten sees this as an opportunity for leg hunting, so I have had to rule exercise out completely. But for you? Go for it. It's supposed to be great, or whatever.

2. Get less sleep.  I know. I know. Conventional wisdom says that more sleep is essential for mental health. But here's the thing. If you sleep, your brain can function well enough to think. And if you think, you might start to spiral into what-if thoughts. "What if I accidentally identified myself as an ally by liking that post about safety pins, even though I have no right to identify as an ally, and now I've ruined the world?" "What if I can't make ends meet this Christmas?" "What if my very life is in danger?" "What if the reason the Dictator is afraid of heights is because we didn't throw her around enough as a baby? What if we've ruined everything for her because now she can't do that one step in her dance and it will scar her for life and she will give up on everything and become a barista like her mother but she has a nut allergy so that job would be so dangerous for her and she'd be putting her life at risk doing minimum wage work, and all I had to do to stop it was toss her in the air a few more times as an infant and squeal, 'Who's Mommy's brave baby?' but I didn't and I shouldn't even be a parent, but that's the only meaningful thing I do, so I shouldn't even exist?" (That last one was maybe exclusive to just me).

Anyway, sleep less, and you will think things like, "Hungry. Want food. Sleepy. Want nap. Should leave now. Where did car go?" These things are safe and will do little damage to your psyche.

3. Netflix/HBO/etc. Those people on Game of Thrones have it waaaay worse than you do. Watch a couple of episodes to remind yourself that you are probably less likely to be beheaded this week than any of those poor schmucks.

4. If distressed while shopping, find the plush toys or sweaters, or decorative pillows, or whatever, and squeeze the heck out of those things. Like, pretend you are doing it to make sure that those Beanie Boos hold up under pressure, but use this as an opportunity to take out all your aggression on an inanimate object that doesn't belong to you. Disfigure it's face, twist its little body. Squish it into a wad that fits into the palm of your hand and think, "This is one thing in the universe that I can control."  It's fine. This is a thing normal people do, and no one will question your sanity. I'm sure of it.

"Suuuunny Day! Singin' my ANGST awaay!"

5. Sing in the shower. Loudly. This works best if you don't have a shared wall. But even if you do, I say it's worth the risk. Plus, I bet my neighbors really love Tori Amos's angstiest vintage hits.

6. Color. Forget adult coloring books. Those things are stressful. Tiny, finicky spaces. Stupid. Plus, then you'll have to use colored pencils or markers. Colored pencils make that awful scratching noise, and if you're too stressed, they'll snap. Markers will just be squashed by all your pent-up stress. Find a nice, big book with pictures of Elmo or Doc McStuffins, or whatever the toddlers are into these days. Use crayons. Press hard. Hang the dang thing on the fridge and tell yourself how great you are. If you are tired enough from not sleeping (see #2), you might be delirious enough to believe that it's true!

7. Yell, "You're fine! You're fine! You're fine!" at yourself as you drive anywhere in your car. Bonus points if you do this while rocking and crying.

Great. You killed it. Nice job.
Who do you think you are, God?
Narcissist.

8. Cheese.

9. Garden. Just kidding. Don't do that. Everything will die, and it will all have been your fault.

10. Find a community. Communities are great, if you do it right. You might want to find a community that builds you up and challenges you to be a better person. I found a beautiful faith community of brilliant, sensitive, thoughtful, successful, hyper-educated folks who say things like, "Empathy is important," and, "Therapy is good," and, "We need to take action," and,, "We all matter." Ugh. Empathy is inevitable and exhausting, therapy is pricey, action is hard, and I don't want to matter, because responsibility is scary. So maybe ditch the "challenges you" part. Find a community of people who are just kinda "meh," so you can feel super awesome about yourself by comparison. Either that, or do what I did, but then you're gonna need, like, eight Doc McStuffins coloring books to work through all of your feelings.

11. Sweatpants. No one can feel sad while wearing sweatpants.

12. Publish all of your opinions and feelings on social media. Do it immediately without stopping to think. After all, it's the immediate release of all your rage and fear, coupled with that instant gratification of a couple of like-minded acquaintances clicking the "Like" button that you're after. Be as self-righteous and indignant as possible. Link to some questionable news sources. Be outraged. Evoke all of the feelings forever. It'll be great. What could possibly go wrong? If you're feeling extra ambitious, why not write a blog post while you're at it? Maybe one giving helpful advice? I mean, it turns out you really are a genius. Just look at that picture of Princess Elsa you colored! Who else could create such realistic shading? No one, that's who. Now go  eat some cheese, belt out some sad music in the shower, and pretend that you aren't going to regret this in about twenty minutes.*

*Should symptoms recur because you discovered your own hypocrisy/failed to parent perfectly/don't feel safe in the world/are questioning the meaning of your very existence, simply repeat, "You're fine, you're fine, you're fine," until it's true. Cognitive-behavioral therapy right there.** You're welcome.

**It's probably not.