That YouTube Family and Me

Oh no. My kids have a few days off of school. Which means they are going to want to entertain themselves, not with the entire room full of toys they have upstairs, not with their creativity and their brilliant brains. No. They are going to want to watch YouTube videos. The Anarchist, in particular, is already itching to watch her particular favorite kind of YouTube video, the family vlog. These families are wholesome, adorable, happy, and well-off. The Anarchist has begged multiple times for me to let her join one of these YouTube families. At this rate, I am losing my patience, and am about two seconds away from taking her up on her offer. Then, at least, I would not be subjected to watching video after video of each and every detail of their super-great lives.

Why that YouTube Family is better than us:

Adorable. Wholesome.
Prayerful. Sweet.

They are just so CUTE!
Fair enough. We are not that cute. I mean, the kids USED to be cute, but they are no longer chubby-cheeked cherubs like the four, yes FOUR kids under eight in this ridiculously precious family. We just can't compete on the cute level.

They have a toddler.
The toddler has the world's sweetest voice. The toddler says the world's cutest things. We don't have a toddler. We have two whiny tweens and a cat who meows like she's whining. YouTube family for the win!

They say prayers all the time.
I do, too, thank you very much. I say, "Please God help me not toss my whining children out the window. Please, God, let me not die of exhaustion." I just say these things quietly, instead of loudly in front of a camera. I am secretly pious. Or secretly whiny at the Eternal Creator. Whatever.

They dress up for church.
Never mind that the one time I tried to get my kids to put on pants without holes for church the raging fit that ensued could be heard around the neighborhood, my children are apparently jealous of this family dressed in their Sunday best. The Dictator hasn't worn a skirt or dress in a year (except as a costume), but apparently she would don a frilly dress and patent leather shoes if they would just let her be a part of YouTube family. Or maybe my kids just wish I would curl my hair and put on a tank top for modesty under my already-modest v-neck dress. Not gonna happen, kiddos.

Their mom always has a sweet voice.
Yes, yes, the voices again. Maybe my kids don't remember, but if you go back and listen to all the recordings I made of myself with my children when they were tiny, my voice was sweet and kind, too. Because of the camera. I bet this lady groans and sighs and uses exasperated tones the minute she turns off that record button. At least I hope she does.

They make their own food.
Hey! So do we! I make food! I DO! Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean it isn't food, beloved offspring. Oh, they bake bread, do they? I used to do that too...when I didn't work. (Full disclosure: I was terrible at baking bread, which is why all of our "fresh baked bread" now comes from a can. Yes. We are a canned bread family. No one is perfect...except YouTube family).

When the kids hit each other, mom still uses her sweet voice, and the only bad thing that happens is that they get to kiss each other.
Which is exactly how it works in real life, right? You get into a bar fight and law enforcement shows up and uses their sweetest voices to ask you nicely to "hug it out," right? These kids are going to be so shell-shocked the first time they commit assault as adults (they're totally going to commit assault as adults, I can just feel it).

They live in tornado alley, but it's okay, because they have a TV in their finished basement.
My kids hear about a tornado happening a bajillion miles away in Topeka, and they are trembling in terror and weeping for the lives they have already assumed they have lost. But they would go live in this family and endure seventeen tornadoes a day, because this family is cute! And their basement is so fancy! And there's a TV down there! And their mom is using her sweet voice! And they are praying such nice things, so loudly!

They are so creative. Like, they do projects all of the time!
Yes, it seems that YouTube mom is one of those mythical homeschooling moms. I still don't know how anyone can do it, but props to those of you with enough patience to try. So, the projects are part of their schooling. I tried to explain to my kids that they are probably only taping the really fun projects, and that probably they usually just do lame math and handwriting worksheets. I also tried reminding them that when I try to get them to do creative projects, they just roll their eyes at me and turn on YouTube. They do not seem to care. They seem to genuinely want to join this family as they glue things to other things, even though they never want to glue anything to anything at our house. Sigh...

They do service projects for the community.
The last time I tried to get my kids to do a service project, the Dictator rolled her eyes, and huffed, and hid, and the Anarchist tried to eat snacks instead of helping, so I'm not sure why they think it would be different with this family...oh...because YouTube family's service project involved playing with Legos...and it was filmed for YouTube.

And I'm willing to bet this is what it all actually boils down to. My kids just want a family that films its every move for the YouTube viewing public. They would be willing to clean, bake, glue stuff, dress up, pray, and help their community, as long as it was being taped and broadcast. Maybe we would all be better people if we knew that random families were constantly watching us. Maybe we would pray more. Maybe I would use my sweet voice. Maybe we would acquire a precocious toddler to say adorable things at us. Maybe no tornado would dare approach our immaculate basement. Maybe we would all laugh when my kids got into all-out brawls. Maybe I would curl my hair for church. You know what? Never mind. Nothing is worth curling my hair over. Not even internet fame. Sorry kids.