The Fat Assassin's Tacky Sweater Party

Yesterday, my favorite person made all of my wildest dreams come true.  Yesterday, I was thrown my very own, super festive, glorious-er than glorious tacky sweater party.  It was truly phenomenal.

The neckline of my perfect new garment of clothing makes
speech a touch challenging.  Oh I do so love a challenge!

Some of you may have seen pictures that were prematurely leaked to the internet on various social media networks.  You may also have encountered false allegations that I was less than pleased with my new woolen attire.  Let me take this opportunity to set the record straight.  These accusations are completely false.  Not only was I delighted to wriggle into my brand new, brightly colored, form fitting holiday cat sweater, but I was devastated when the party ended early, due to a tragic misunderstanding.  It turns out that the ever-so-flattering turtleneck of my favoritest new article of clothing wreaked havoc on my vocal chords (havoc, which was, by the way, entirely worth every moment of gasping and retching), and I may have accidentally hissed instead of purred with pleasure while luxuriating in my fabulous get-up.

An astute observer, such as the Female Person, would have immediately understood that I intended to communicate only praise and gratitude for my sweater-having situation.  Unfortunately, she was not present, and the less-adept Male Person, wrongly perceiving my ecstasy to be suffering, tore my beautiful sweater from my gorgeous furry self before I knew what hit me.

Let me be absolutely clear.  I am eternally grateful to my People for throwing me such a wonderful tacky sweater party.  I have never longed for anything more than a tacky sweater party.  My tacky sweater was completely worth every cent of the $2.50 the Female Person was so insistent that we spend upon it.  She made the right choice.  She is a genius.  I will always cherish her gift, her intellect, and her desire to see me in a sweater.  Not only did I thoroughly enjoy my very first tacky sweater party, but I excitedly anticipate my next tacky sweater party.  Female person, you made all my dreams come true.  Thank you for cramming me into a paralyzing sweater.  Thank you from the bottom of my furry heart.


I love you.

So what if I couldn't stand upright in my couture sweater?
I'm madly in love with it.  Look at how it slims my torso,
and accentuates my beautiful pear-shaped figure.

All Photos Courtesy of the Bureaucrat, 2011.