Get Me To The Church On Time: The Morton Family Guide to Going to Church Like a Real Suburbanite, INSTALLMENT II

Now that you've perused the church market and carefully selected the suburban church that's just right for you and your family, you'll need to actually make it to church...preferably on time.  This presents an enormous challenge for my family (as I live with three of the slowest moving human beings on earth), but I've come to discover that many other families, the wide suburbia over, struggle with the exactly the same challenge.  Sundays are hard.

Growing up, I thought that it was only my family that endured untold stress and hardship making it to church every Sunday.  My father would be sitting in the running car, honking the horn, as my mother rushed around complaining about all the things he had forgotten to do.  My sister and I would be trying on our thirteenth pants/sweater combos and everyone would end up yelling and angry by the time we finally thrust our way into our seats and got ready to worship the prince of peace, love and forgiveness. 

As I grew, I realized that we were not the only ones who seemed to grow more  impatient, ornery and crazed on Sunday mornings.  People would literally push past one another, "sneaking" out after communion in the time-honored Catholic ritual of The Most Holy Race to the Parking Lot.  Working at a restaurant on Sunday mornings, I would witness family after family, all dressed in their Sunday best, impatiently snap at one another, their servers, cashiers and fellow customers.  Sunday mornings and the pressure of getting to church on time are clearly not good to anyone.  So much for Sabbath rest, eh?

"...but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind
and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on towards
goal for the prize of the heavenly caffeine of fair trade
church coffee."  (Phillipians 3:14, NISV)*

So what's a nice suburban family, struggling to keep up appearances, to do?  Sure, the Bible says that the first shall be last, and the last shall be first, but let's set all that biblical mumbo jumbo aside for a moment and focus on what's really important--maintaining respectability.  Also--getting to church in time to partake of the delicious fair trade coffee offered before the service without missing so much of the service as to raise eyebrows.  You've gotta have priorities, people.    

Having gone to church for the past couple of months, and having been on time maybe once or twice during that time period, I think it's obvious that the Morton family has this thing down to a science.  If your family is still struggling to make it to church without killing each other, getting into a car accident, or missing out on your caffeine fix, why don't you check out some of our helpful suggestions:

1.  Lay out your kids' clothes the night before.  Sure, they'll probably refuse to wear the outfit come Sunday morning (or, in the case of our dear Anarchist, have outgrown the outfit by morning), but at least then you can blame them for your tardiness, and not yourselves.  Because if there's one thing that we learn from church, it's that you should totally throw planks into the eyes of others, so as to distract from the specks of dust in your own...or something like that.

2.  Do not even think about starting a Sunday morning pancake breakfast tradition at your home.  Sure, it sounds quaint and cozy on Saturday night, but I guarantee it will ruin your life come Sunday morning.  Pancakes bring, not peace, but the sword.  Fork in hand, family member will turn against family member.  I promise you that it won't be pretty.  Aunt Jemima is the mother of lies.  Avoid the pancakes and save your souls...or at least, your sanity.

3.  Try a page from my dad's book and wait impatiently in the driveway, engine running, a half an hour before your family will be ready to leave.  Honk the horn impatiently at five minute intervals.  When the last family member is finally at least partially in the car, back out of the driveway at top speed before this family member has time to sit down/close the door, allowing his/her limbs to graze the ground as a lesson to everyone that timeliness is next to godliness.

4. Do family calisthenics in preparation for the big day.  When the apostle Paul urges us to "run the good race," he's obviously speaking literally of making it to Sunday morning services in time (however, when he tells us that one of the fruits of the Spirit is patience, he's clearly speaking symbolically).  Thus, every family must physically prepare for the great Sunday race.  Jumping jacks, running laps, even push-ups, will get your family in the best possible shape to make that last minute dash from parking lot to nursery/Sunday school classrooms/sanctuary/gym-turned-alternative-worship-space, effectively elbowing other churchgoers out of the way as you go.  It might also be helpful to practice cheers to raise morale.  Shouting such phrases as, "show me some hustle," and "kill 'em," at one another really gets everyone into the worshiping spirit.

5.  When all else fails, give up and go shopping.  If you're already running late, your simplest solution to avoiding tardiness is simply not to go.  Perhaps you can find a nice Starbucks that closely approximates your churchgoing experience.  Good enough.  You will maintain respectability, get your caffeine fix, and avoid the embarrassment of walking in late.  If you are concerned that any of your fellow customers may judge your for being heathen non-church-attenders, simply behave in an ornery and impatient manner.  They will naturally assume that you have already attended/are about to attend church.  You will also make them feel better about themselves by showing them that they are in good (albeit angry and impatient) company.  This is comforting to them, and you are therefore performing a service.  Love your neighbor and all that jazz.

As you can see, we Morton's are good, wholesome people, and our suggestions are based on warped and distorted sound Biblical principles.  So you should totally take our advice.  But be advised.  We take getting to church seriously.  So if we happen to ride your tail, run you over in the parking lot, or elbow you in the face in the lobby in the midst of our mad dash to church, forgive us.**  Because forgiving is what you're supposed to do.  We know that because we learned it in church this Sunday.  We learned it in church this Sunday because we weren't (too terribly) late...and I have the coffee jitters to prove it.

*NISV, New Impatient Suburbanite Version  
**Or not.  After all, "in a race the runners all compete, but only one receives the prize...Run in such a way that you may win it...so I do not run aimlessly, nor do I box as though beating the air, but I elbow the others, and mow them down, so that after removing them from my path, I myself should not be disqualified. "  (I Corinthians 9:24-27, NISV)