Parenting Tip of the Week: the TV is your friend

Tip #2: Learn to Love the Television

If you're a mom you've heard this from someone, somewhere, perhaps even from lots of people everywhere.  It's the lie we all tell (for real, they did a study): "My kids rarely watch TV."  Maybe you've been the one saying it.  We all like to pretend that our kids watch less TV than they do, or if there's no hope of truly hiding the amount they watch, we like to pretend that we're sincerely worried about their television watching habits.  Admit it, you've done it.

Now, I'm willing to believe there are a few people here and there--the same people that religiously wear their children, make homemade organic baby food from vegetables they grew especially for the purpose, only let their children play with wooden handmade toys, and piped Mozart into their wombs for 9 straight months--who don't actually let their children watch television.  If you are one of these people, kudos to you.  Really.  I'm very impressed.  Your children are going to have lots of brain cells when they grow up.  But can I please let you know that you're missing out on the many benefits that endless hours of television can provide for you and your children?

The Anarchist and the Dictator spend a special day at Aunt Nennie's work entranced by a kids show on the computer screen.  Never mind the fair going on outside with the bouncers, popcorn, bubbles and face-painting.  (To be fair, it was like, 90 degrees out, and they were avoiding sunstroke.  See?  Sometimes TV/TV-alternatives can be useful!)

Benefits of TV Watching

They'll stop moving around so much*

Most of you have already figured this one out.  Sick of tiny whirlwinds of destruction turning your house into a black hole of chaos?  Turn on the TV.  They will sit entranced like happy zombies.  Boo-Ya.  Problem solved.  You're welcome.

You will survive the first 4 months of having a colicky baby

Okay, so even I am sickened by the idea of television for infants.  Confession: we were actually those natural toys/baby wearing/TV-not-having people for a while.  Our TV was hidden in the deep recesses of our home and we pretended to like it that way.  After all, we didn't want it corrupting our precious and fragile gift from heaven.  But it turned out our precious and fragile gift from heaven never slept.  EVER.  And at 4 am it can get very lonely when it's just you and a fitful, screaming Dictator.  So we dragged out the TV, turned it on and tried to stay awake and sane.  Much to our surprise, the glowing blue box seemed to calm the Dictator enough that she would actually sleep for entire 20 minute stretches.  We were sold.   

They'll kill a few braincells

This sounds just awful, but if you've ever met our Dictator, or if you have a child like her, you'll understand.  Some children actually need less brain cells.  That way, even though they are bent on world domination, there's a small chance they might not have the brainpower to follow through on their diabolical plans.  This is a good thing for both your child and the world.** (Note: if your child is neither hyper-neurotic, nor bent on world domination, killing braincells might actually be a bad thing).

They might even learn to read

The Dictator picked up a book in the library one day after 3-Year-Old Story Time and just started to read.  She's been reading ever since.  I'm not saying that it was the steady diet of PBS kids she grew up on, but what I will say is, "Thank you 'Super Readers.'"

 You will get to groom yourself

Are those unintentional dreadlocks you're sporting?  Yeah.  I thought so.  Pop in "Caillou" and start brushing.  You'll be glad you did (and so will everyone who has to look at you).


You might even get to eat 

Shoveling a handful of dried Cheerios into your yaw on the fly is no substitute for a nice, home-cooked bowl of microwaveable instant oatmeal.  Assuaging your unnecessary parenting guilt about 15 minutes of TV time for your 2 year old is not worth self-starvation.  Eat!  For the love of all that is good in the world, eat!  Put some meat on those bones!  You're wasting away!  (I sometimes think I might be possessed by an Italian grandmother...if only she would help me make a decent lasagna!)

You will maintain your sanity (sometimes)

Those of us who let our kids watch the occasional TV show are so tired of lying and posturing to look like supermoms.  'Cause we're not.  I may or may not have caught the Anarchist in the acts of eating sunscreen straight from the tube, standing on her tiptoes on her windowsill,  and sitting on her highchair tray at the ripe old age of 1.  So, yes, not supermom.  But having the television on now and then has kept me sane, and that, my friends, is priceless. 

*I'm a little scared that someday someone is going to call Child Protective Services after reading this blog.  I'm hoping that everyone gets that this is tongue-in-cheek, right?  Right?  I mean, the Dictator hasn't actually staged a military coup in a small Central American country...yet.  And the only thing the Fat Assassin has assassinated is a very small spider, who I think was already missing a few of his legs. And I actually enjoy my children immensely...even when they're moving around.

**If your child does happen to be a budding dictator, be advised that we strongly recommend against any television with commercials.  It will just give them ideas.  Stick with PBS.  You'll be glad you did.  And so will several small, Central American countries.