Santa Baby...

I think I've mentioned before that the Morton children are not known for their austerity.  Maybe I've also mentioned that us Morton's aren't exactly rolling around in piles of cash right now.  So Christmas, in all its commercial glory, has become a particularly interesting time for us.  Trying to curb the greed of the Dictator and the manic excitement of the Anarchist is a formidable task.  And while I'm tackling things on the moral/theological front, we still have quite a way to go in turning our crazy tiny people into thoughtful, compassionate human beings who create manageable Christmas lists.

Step One: Limit Christmas Lists to 10 Items per Kiddo

The Anarchist did a remarkable job keeping her list neatly pared down to 10 items.  But then she kept changing it.  It turns out she's three-years-old and an anarchist, and therefore has little to no understanding of limitations.

The Dictator, on the other hand, attempted many sly tactics to increase her list's yield: clumping two or three similar items together, asking for expensive gift sets (only $60 for 5 Princesses!), and insisting that while it may be reasonable for Mom and Dad to ask for a pared down list, Santa is a man of unlimited resources, and will therefore be willing to dole out plentiful gifts without restriction.

The Anarchist and the Dictator, victorious after Santa Visit

Great.  So that didn't work.  Especially when I mentioned to the Dictator that she might not get everything on her list.  There were two hours of hysterical weeping.  You would have thought the Chuggington character she was in danger of not receiving was a beloved relative breathing his last breath.  On the other hand, I did overhear her say to the Anarchist, "Now, Anarchist, you have to remember that won't get everything on your list.  Not all of it, Anarchist.  So don't be disappointed.  Because you won't get everything..." (Hooray!  She understands!), "But I will get everything on my list, Anarchist, because I have a good list."  (Never mind).

Step 2: Avoid the Overly Commercial Aspects of the Holiday

I think I failed this step utterly when I took them to the mall to see Santa yesterday.  Or maybe it was when we walked through the toy section of Target last week and they begged incessantly for things and I told them to ask for them for Christmas. Or maybe it was when I bought them adorable Christmas-themed dresses to wear to school.  Or possibly it was when the Dictator absconded with all of the toy ads from the stack of mail on the coffee table and used them to make collages of all the things she "needed."  Oh boy. 

Step 3: Cultivate Compassion

I took the opportunity to explain that not every kid has lots of toys and food when the Dictator came home with a Toys for Tots flier in her backpack.  The thing I forget is that the Dictator most likely believes that the "Tots'" lack of toys will simply be greater incentive for them to pull themselves up by their tiny bootstraps.  At least, that is what I deduced from the strange look she gave me when I mentioned "homelessness."

The Dictator recounts her extensive Christmas list

Step 4:  Teach Financial Responsibility

Maybe if the Dictator and the Anarchist understand the concept of budgeting, they will understand the dangers of greed, frivolous spending and debt.  When the Anarchist asks me for a piece of Christmas tchotchke while shopping, I quickly explain to her that Mommy didn't have any extra money to pay for the piece of useless plastic.  "But don't you have MONEY?!"  she asks, confused.  "Mommy has credit card debt, Sweetie.  Mommy doesn't have any money," I respond.  "Oh, okay!  You can pay with CREDIT CARD DEBT!  THAT would be okay!  You can buy these with some CREDIT CARD DEBT!" she shouts to the entire store.

The Anarchist at the mall, learning to be a responsible consumer...or something like that.

Take two.  As I'm getting ready to run errands, the Anarchist asks to get a toy car while we're at the store.  I tell her "no" because we have no money.  Two minutes later, I hear her heaving herself down the stairs, lugging the giant bucket in which the Dictator stores (stingily) her pennies.  "What are you doing with the Dictator's bucket?!" I demand.  "See, Mommy.  I got you some money.  NOW you can buy me a car!" she exclaims proudly.

Step 5: Give up in Defeat

Maybe reason and compassion aren't concepts upon which I should be expecting kids under the age of five to have an excellent grasp.  Maybe there's still time to teach about poverty, financial responsibility, fair trade, commercialism and the like.  At least, that's what I'm going to tell myself as I watch the Dictator rock herself in a fetal position as she tries to cope with the grief of getting only 9 of the 10 (AKA 18 of the 20) things on her Christmas list.  Because they look so cute when they're giddy with anticipation, and I think maybe there's a fighting chance they won't be total spoiled brats.  I, on the other hand, have a list a mile long.  So if anyone's looking for ways to express their generosity to me this holiday season, let me know...I'll email you my list.  And I promise to only cry a little if I don't get everything on it.

The Dictator and the Anarchist bid Santa Claus farewell, and salivate over their anticipated stacks of toys.